Do Your Children Own Anything?

When I wrote about gifts the other day, in You Call That a Gift?, I was really only addressing the misuse of the word "gift" as it is applied to things that are clearly not given to children as gifts. The bottom line there is, if the thing given can be taken away whenever the parent feels like it, then it is not a gift.

Then a few commenters on that post (on my Facebook page) pointed out that there is a much bigger issue here than deciding on a new word for the things given to children with all kinds of strings attached. I'll explain with a fictional but very believable story:

Mark was 15 when his parents gave him a shiny new laptop for Christmas. They were so excited to give it to him because they knew how much he loved to play games on the computer. It was a joyful moment as he tore open the wrapping and his eyes lit up. He was surprised and delighted and gratitude poured out from his mouth. It was his own. Or so he thought.

Fast forward only one month. His grades arrive in the mail. He's not doing so well in math. He hates math. He tries really hard, but doesn't understand the material, or his teacher. He has given up on ever doing well. So he's fine with getting a C, but his parents are not fine with it. They come into his room holding the report card, angry and disappointed apparently because he has not invented the kind of magic it would take for him to suddenly start excelling in math. "We're taking away your laptop until you start getting a B or better," they say. They are hoping it will motivate him to try harder. They don't understand that it's not about trying harder. He's doing his best. "But you said it was mine. You gave it to me. Please don't take it away," Mark begs. "We gave it to you, and we can take it away," his parents bluntly explain.

This logic gives Mark an idea. He has worked hard for a couple of years to save up some money, and he decides it it important enough to him to have his own laptop, that he will buy one for himself with his own money. This way, his parents can't take it away, right? Wrong. When his new laptop arrives in the mail, his laptop, his parents are furious. They chide him for wasting his money on a new computer when they have just bought him one for Christmas. "But I'm not allowed to use that one!" he reminds them. "And you're not allowed to use this one either. You are sending it back," they say. He knows he has no choice but to follow their orders.

What did Mark learn from this experience? He learned that he did not have the right to own things. His parents owned everything. He learned that money is power, until he tried to use that power by buying his own computer. Then he learned that age is power. He learned that he has no power until he gets older. He learned to look forward to the day when he could get away from his parents. When people couldn't just take away the things that were his.

When I wrote my last post, I was upset by the thought of parents giving their children "gifts" with strings attached. I was upset that these parents didn't seem to understand the concept of a gift. But the more I think about it, I understand that it's not about gifts. It's about power and control. It's about rights. Many adults seem to be fine with the idea that children do not have the right to own things. I imagine it's requires a similar justification that was used in the not-so-distant past to justify why women could not own property.

In our house, our children own their own things. They are free to use them as they please, as long as they are not hurting anyone or damaging someone else's things, of course. Our children can cut their Barbies' hair, write in their books, cut up their playing cards. They can watch their movies and use pieces from their games for purposes other than those intended. They can eat their candy and wear their clothes in whatever ways they want. They can share or not share their things. They know what it feels like to own something, and to share it willingly. They are learning about ownership, responsibility, and generosity. They are learning that our home is a safe place for them to keep their possessions, and that their father and I are trustworthy protectors of them and their possessions, and their rights.

What lessons do you want your children to learn about ownership and their rights? About you and how much to trust you?

Do your children own anything?

You Call That a Gift?

You know that thing you plan to wrap and give to your child this holiday season? What do you call that thing? Before you call it a gift, remember:

• It's not a gift if you require a certain type or amount of appreciation in return. 
• It's not a gift if you reserve or exercise the right to take it away at any moment, for any reason.
• It's not a gift if you force your child to use it (or not use it) in a certain way.
• It's not a gift if you use it as a tool to manipulate your child.
• It's not a gift if you make your child feel guilty for using it too much or not using it enough.

If that thing you are giving is not a gift, please don't call it a gift. Find another word for the thing you are giving. Don't even wrap it. If you do insist on wrapping this non-gift, at least make sure your child knows the deal. Slap a warning label on that pretty wrapping paper:

***THIS IS NOT A GIFT***

This item is on loan to you under certain conditions.

It can and will be taken away from you at the will of your parents, for any reason, including but not limited to: your room is too messy, your grades are too low, you were grumpy one day, you made a mistake.

And don't forget to also label those things your child gets from "Santa" or anyone else, if you plan to use them in the same way. Those are not gifts either.

If you give your child something as a gift, remember that you are surrendering possession of that thing. You are permanently transferring ownership of that thing. It no longer belongs to you. It belongs to your child. If someone else gives your child something as a gift, remember that thing never belonged to you in the first place. Let your child own her own things.

A gift is something given freely and without strings attached. It's something you give because you want to give it. A giver of a gift does not expect anything in return. The giving of a gift is a happy transaction. If your gift is not like this, then it is not a gift at all. It is something else entirely.

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The issue here is much larger than the meaning of the word "gift". See a follow-up post here: Do Your Children Own Anything?

There's a new post on Parent-Free By Choice today, Not Well Adjusted: The Day It Ended. The author explains that she is no longer speaking to her mother because she "couldn't take her constant judging, harassing, and demands anymore."

"That's All I Have To Say About That"

It's a quote from one of my favorite movies ever: Forrest Gump. It came to me at 5:00 this morning, as my mind was racing while I should have been sleeping. Remember the part of that movie when Forrest starts running across the country? That was what I felt like about eight months ago when I started posting on here. I felt compelled to write, so I wrote. And sort of like Forrest, but on a much smaller scale, I attracted some attention along the way. Some people started following me. My writing even inspired a few people (I've been told).

Remember what happens next in the movie? One day, Forrest decides he has had enough. He's tired. So he just stops running. That's what I feel like right now.

I have enjoyed writing, reading, and connecting. The wonderful responses have been uplifting. Even the negative ones have helped me to grow. I have gained confidence, clarity, and compassion. It has been like a dream, having people read and connect with my words.

I have explained my philosophy. My friends and family know I have a plan. Even if they disagree with some of it, they can at least see what my parenting is all about. This was my goal when I started writing. I have also made a lot of new friends in the process. I'm now surrounded by people who treat their children well, which makes me feel good about the world. It makes me feel like there is hope. I know it will continue to catch on.

I don't know how long this feeling will last, but I am looking forward to a retreat into the peace of my more private life. I'm sure my husband and our children will appreciate it as well.

I'll be doing more of this.

For now, I am going to leave most of my posts up, although I may turn off comments at some point soon. I hope some people will continue to read my writing if it helps them. I hope my most important points will shine through:

1. You can be gentle, kind, and compassionate to your children, and to all children. You can be friends with them, even.
2. You can speak softly to your children.
3. You don't have to choose between being controlling and being neglectful. You don't have to choose whether to be a tiger mom, a helicopter mom, or any other trendy kind of mom. There is another way. You can be human. Just realize your children are human too.
4. You can try to remember how confusing life could be when you were a child. You can avoid hurting your children in the same ways you were hurt. 
5. You can talk to your child about your parenting dilemmas. You can carefully consider this question as you make decisions: How is this going to affect my relationship with my child?
6. You can opt-out of the school system if it doesn't feel right for your family. It's legal to do so all over the United States, and in many other countries as well. It's also fun.
7. You can question every parenting article, every study about children, every piece of advice or criticism you receive.

Thanks to all of my loyal readers, and to everyone who honored me by sharing my writing with others. I appreciate all of you.

And that's all I have to say about that. For now.

Five Myths About Spanking

MYTH: Spanking is not the same as hitting.
FACT: Spanking is different from hitting in name only. A few quick Google searches for definitions and a few applications of the transitive property confirmed this:

Hit: Bring one's hand or a tool or weapon into contact with (someone or something) quickly and forcefully

Spank: Slap with one's open hand or a flat object, esp. on the buttocks as a punishment
Slap: A blow with the palm of the hand or a flat object
Blow: A powerful stroke with a hand, weapon, or hard object
Stroke: An act of hitting or striking someone or something

In other words: Spanking = Hitting.

Is Your Child Being Robbed?

If a child is forced to say thank you or sorry, then he is robbed of a chance to express his own heartfelt gratitude or apology.

If a child is forced to eat two more bites of dinner, then she is robbed of a chance to feel just full enough to be satisfied.

If a child is forced to clean up, then he is robbed of a chance to show how helpful he can be, voluntarily.

If a child is forced to wear a jacket, then she is robbed of a chance to feel cold enough to know when she really needs one.

If a child is forced to stop crying, then he is robbed of a chance to express his fears or his dreams.

If a child is told she is not good enough, then she is robbed of a chance to be happy with herself the way she is.

All those times we exert control over our children, we are taking away chances for them to control themselves. How do we expect our children to learn "self-control" if we don't let them practice it?

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Read about one woman's struggles with a controlling parent over at Parent-Free By Choice.

Please Note: None of the examples above have anything to do with a child running into the street, or anything else involving imminent danger. Also, I have not said we should never guide our children.

Change Your Default Setting From "No" to "Maybe"

I have had many conversations about parenting in the past eight months since I started this blog. The absolute most frustrating type of conversation goes something like this:

Me: I like to help my kids get what they want.
Other Person: That's impossible! What if they want to go to the moon in a spaceship? I can't get my kids what they want every time they ask! I'd be broke.

Here's why I have a problem with this kind of thinking: It's focused on the impossibilities, the exceptions, the singularities. It's focused on what we can't do. How often do our children want things that are truly impossible to get? More importantly, how often do our children want things that are possible, and we brush them off because we have to teach them they can't always get what they want.

A parent who thinks this way has the default setting of No. She's at the grocery store with her kids, and they ask for a piece of  candy or a small toy at the checkout counter.

She thinks: We can't buy something for you every time we go to the store.

She responds: No, put it down. 

She's satisfied with the lesson: You can't always get what you want .

I guess the idea here is that the parent is afraid that if she "gives in" this time, the child will come to expect it every time.

Parent-Free By Choice

How many of you out there have chosen to separate yourselves from one or both of your parents because of the way they treated you?

That was the question I asked on Twitter. I was blown away by the responses. There were about 20 people who spoke up and shared a little of their stories with me, out of about 400 followers. I was surprised at how common this issue seemed to be. Then I asked a similar question on Facebook, this time asking people to email me their stories, not sure what I would do with them yet.

Here are some of the things people have shared:

Thank you for your curiosity and openness to this subject many find taboo.

Part of me thinks is it easier to just tell people your mom died than to say you just don’t speak to her.

A person can only be hurt so much before enough is enough.

[My father] made my life miserable and then threatened my kids.

I'm teaching my parents a lesson.  I do plan on getting back in touch, but not until they've had a long time to realize that they need us more than we need them.

It's heartbreaking and it's not an easy choice to make. So much baggage goes along with it. People understand divorce more than they do cutting ties with parents.

Many people also shared how they have felt so alone going through this process. Some have people making them feel guilty about their decisions. All this made me wonder: If this is taboo, why is that? Why do we give people a hard time about cutting ties with parents? Do we as a society feel that a person owes her parents something, no matter how badly they have treated her? If this is such a common issue, why aren't we talking about it more?

After reading through the stories I received, I have decided to start a second blog, to give people a place to give and get support from others who are dealing with similar issues. I'm calling it "Parent-Free By Choice." The posts will be stories from (mostly anonymous) readers, who want to share their experiences. It will be a supportive, empowering, compassionate place.

No one should feel forced to endure mistreatment or abuse from anyone else, even (especially) a parent. A person who chooses to be parent-free is not "running away" from problems, but rather running toward a better, happier life. I'm hoping it will help people to see just how many others are going through this, or have gone through it and feel at peace with their decisions.

I'm also hoping that the connection between this blog and the new one will be very clear. Let's just say that so far, I have NOT heard anything like the following:

I don't speak to my parents anymore because they were too supportive and respectful of my freedom.

I don't speak to my parents anymore because they didn't meddle with my life enough.

I don't speak to my parents anymore because they treated me too kindly.

You get the idea.

Please go visit the new blog, where the first story is now up. Read, reflect, offer support. Share your story if you think it might help you or someone else. Details on how to do so can be found in the right sidebar on the new blog.