tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50881884989005589412024-03-04T23:15:57.784-05:00Demand EUPHORIA"That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!" -Calvin & HobbesVickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.comBlogger107125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-75839688846015407702014-10-09T09:02:00.000-04:002014-10-09T09:02:21.479-04:00Mind the Gaps<i>This post is not new. It is my talk from the Northeast Unschooling Conference, August 2013. Just putting it here so it doesn't get lost.</i><br />
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<b>School</b><br />
It's like someone hands you a train schedule when you are five years old, and it details the plan for every day of the next thirteen to seventeen years of your life. The stops are laid out, the timetable is set. There is only one set of tracks for your school train.<br />
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They are the same for everyone. They tell you this is the only way to get between stops, where you are tested to make sure the train is on schedule. Sometimes you might see a shortcut to the next stop, or a nice sidewalk or winding wooded path running along the tracks. You say "Look, that path goes to the same place we are going anyway. Can I use it instead for a bit?" They say that's not the right way. You have to get there the same way as everyone else, at the same time. You have to ride the train with only other kids who are the same age as you, whether you like them or not. Sometimes, if your train is small enough, you end up spending years and years with this same group of kids. Even if you don’t get along with any of them.<br />
You might really want to go sit with your sister, who loves you, whose train is a year ahead of you on the tracks, but that is not allowed.<br />
<br />
It will be decided for you very early on if you get to sit in the front of the school train or the middle or the back. Once the decision has been made, it will be very difficult to switch cars. You end up feeling like you must be where you belong. All the cars take the same time to move between stops, but the kids in the front always get there first, and the kids in the back always last. It is made quite clear that it's better to get there first.<br />
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Sure, there will be some (planned) "destinations" along the way, where you get to get off the train for a set amount of time. Maybe you are one of the lucky kids, for whom weekends and summers are actually destinations, places to stop moving, or at least to move in the vehicle of your own choosing, at your own pace. But maybe you are a kid whose weekends and summers involve more trains, maybe with a choice about which trains to ride, which sport train or which art-or-music-themed train. But still with little or no choice about the path or the pace.<br />
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While riding any train, you have to do what the conductor (teacher) says. Stop when he wants to stop, go when he wants to go. You might get new conductors every year, and sometimes multiple conductors will rotate through each day. Some of them will be amazing people, who will inspire you.<br />
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Others will not be kind. And they all have different expectations of how the ride is supposed to go. You are expected to know this, and adapt to each one. To know what each one requires of you and be able to give it, even on your worst days. If you don't follow the rules on the train, they might kick you off. You might be relieved that you are getting off, until you realize they are only taking you to another train.<br />
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You watch the real world fly by you out the windows, and it looks like a blur. You might catch a glimpse of something that looks interesting and say, "Excuse me, can we stop for a minute? I saw something cool out there."<br />
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But they say they can't make unplanned stops. That would make the whole train late. When you finally realize how futile it is to ask, you might find ways to sneak off and get to a destination on your own.<br />
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Or you might just stop looking out the window.<br />
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The worst part of these train rides is where they drop you off at the end: your parents' house! This whole time, they were telling you how important it was to stay on schedule. Now you are back where you started. With a lot of knowledge about riding trains, and maybe not much else. They say go now, find your passion. You say "Now? But that's what I wanted to do all along and you... Nevermind."<br />
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At this point, at the end of your compulsory schooling journey, you might find that you are one of the really lucky ones who has managed to figure out at least one thing you are passionate about in school or in spite of school. Good for you.<br />
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Or you might get off the school train at this point and realize you have no idea how to live, off of a train. You might have forgotten that it's even possible to live and to learn without a train, a timetable, a conductor.<br />
You might get a job that feels exactly like being on a train as well. You will keep hopping from job train to job train, hoping to find one that makes you happy, or at least one that doesn't make you miserable. Or maybe you will stay on one that makes you miserable, because you realize that they are all inherently the same. It's just easier to stay on the one you're already on.<br />
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Or you might get off a train at 18 or 22 or 25 or 35, and say "Wow. There has to be a better way." You might spend the rest of your life trying to avoid trains. You might be able to make up for the time you lost, and find some passion after all.<br />
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<b>Homeschooling</b><br />
So, if being in school is like riding a train, then what is traditional homeschooling like? You know, the school-at-home kind.<br />
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It’s like riding in a car. Your parents are driving and you get to sit with your brothers and sisters if you have any. But other than these two common elements, the details of the car ride can vary greatly, depending on your parents' views on education.<br />
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You might have parents who buy a curriculum, which resembles the timetable used by the school train. Your mother might take on the role of "conductor," and insist that her car keep up with the train. She might not let you have much say about how fast to go or what the stops will look like. You might spend as much time in the car as schooled kids do on the train.<br />
<br />
Or you might have parents who make up their own curriculum, accepting some level of input from you. They will take your interests into account when planning activities. They will adjust the pace if they think it is necessary. They might even stop the car sometimes when you point out something interesting you see out the window. You might spend a lot less time in the car than schooled kids do on the train.<br />
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But either way, you are still a passenger, sitting in the backseat, having at least somewhat of a passive role in your educational journey and your life overall. The car, like the train, separates "learning time" from the real world, which you are still looking at through a window.<br />
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The car follows streets, like the train follows tracks. There may be more than one path between two stops now, but you are still confined to the streets.<br />
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<b>An alternative</b><br />
So what’s an alternative to exploring the world in trains and cars?<br />
<br />
Imagine everyone in your family has access to lots of different bicycles.<br />
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Some days, your mom or dad says, "Want to go for a ride? I have something fun I want to show you." If you want to go, you hop on the bike and go. Some days, you are the one who has something you want to explore, and your mom or siblings or dad ride along. But every day, you have choices about what to do.<br />
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When you are too little to ride a bicycle, your parents can take you on theirs. You can move on to a tricycle with a handle to make it easy for a parent to help you move and steer. On your tricycle, or a bike with training wheels, you can learn to use the pedals. You might even get a balance bike, to learn how to propel yourself and balance without pedals. And when you are ready, you will ride your own bicycle.<br />
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Your own bicycle can be powered by your own legs, steered by your own hands. It stops when you stop, goes where you want to go. But it's not that you are always responsible for your own movement. You are not just left to figure it out for yourself. When you prefer to have some level of assistance getting where you want to go, you also have choices like tandem bicycles and bike trailers available to you. You get to choose if you want help and what kind and how much. And your parents do their best to help when and how you want them to.<br />
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No matter which kind of bicycle you are on, there is no separation between you and the outside world. No window to look out. You can smell the real world, hear the real world, stop and touch the real world. You are part of the real world. In many places there are paths to follow if you want to, but your rides are not limited to the paths.<br />
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In your family, no one is the teacher, but everyone learns from all the others. It is not that your time on your bicycle is your "education." Every day is your life, no matter how it is spent.<br />
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You learn from all things you do, but the learning does not need to be measured. Your parents don't keep track of how fast or how far you go each day. Your choosing to do something makes it valuable. You get to learn what you want at your own pace. You don't have to keep up with anyone else.<br />
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That is unschooling.<br />
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It is not a model of education, but a way of life. It is recognizing that people learn from living, and there is no need to separate learning from living.<br />
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It’s like riding a bicycle.<br />
<br />
<b>Knowledge gaps</b><br />
Those of us who are living it know how wonderful unschooling can be. However, those who are unfamiliar with unschooling have many concerns about it. One concern many people have about unschooling is that it might leave a person with “gaps” in knowledge.<br />
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They wonder how we will make sure our children learn everything they will need to know for their adult lives. These people are right about one thing: people who grow up without school do have knowledge gaps.<br />
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However, they are wrong to assume that going to school will somehow guarantee a person will learn everything he or she needs to know. Since no one can possibly know everything there is to know, all of us have knowledge gaps. One thing that is great about unschooling is that we can look at these gaps differently.<br />
The people in charge of the school system have preselected the gaps THEY feel are most important, and then they instruct their teachers to “go over” the information to fill in those gaps. Even the terminology of “going over” a subject fits perfectly with the idea of riding a train, because that’s exactly what a train does. The train goes over the gaps where the tracks are already set.<br />
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The train passengers can’t even see a gap as they approach it, and they can’t see what it looks like underneath the bridge as they cross it. They can only look out the windows as they cross a bridge that someone else built. They have no experience of the gap itself unless they have the time and inclination and access to explore the gap on their own time.<br />
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On board the school train, students are passively pulled across the gaps. The teachers may describe what the gap looks like, and then the students are expected to “know” what the gap looks like. In school, a “gap” in knowledge is seen as a weakness, a failure. Students are constantly required to memorize facts, and then tested so they must prove what they know. Not knowing how to cross the gap by answering their questions correctly translates to losing points, being punished by low grades.<br />
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Asking for help getting over a gap can be considered cheating, which is another thing that leads to punishment and shame if the student is caught. Some people grow up to fear the gaps they will inevitably come upon. They fear not knowing what to do in new situations. They lose faith in their abilities to overcome their knowledge gaps without being pulled over a bridge built by someone else. They feel ashamed to even think about asking for help. They might become very skilled at avoiding gaps altogether.<br />
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In the world of school, not knowing something you are expected to know means you fail.<br />
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However, outside of school, it is all right if you don't know all the answers, or even any of the answers. You can hope for better results if you can quickly admit that you do not know the answer to a specific question, or the best solution to a problem. Because the best things to know are when you need help and where to go for help. And then you go there. And you ask for help. You are not alone and you don't have to figure things out on your own. You are allowed to consult someone else or some technology to help you figure out an answer. The train model of schooling teaches people to think there is only one right way to cross a gap, and if you don’t know it, you fail.<br />
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Now think about how different it is to be riding along on a bicycle in a direction that interests you, and coming upon a gap where you don’t immediately see a way to get over it or through it or around it. Think about how many options there are when you are on your bicycle.<br />
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Maybe someone else has already built a bridge across the gap and you discover it. You choose whether or not to use it. Maybe you figure out how to build a bridge yourself. Maybe you see something interesting deep down inside the gap and you find a way to get to it. Maybe you recognize it is too dangerous or difficult to cross this gap by yourself, so you ask someone for help. Maybe you think that crossing this gap isn’t so important to you after all, so you find a way around it. Whatever you decide, you know that YOU decided what to do. YOU get to decide which gaps are important for you to get across. YOU decide in what depth to explore them. YOU get experience making important decisions for your own life.<br />
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With unschooling, we do not have to think of gaps in knowledge as failures of our children or ourselves or our lifestyle. Our children will hopefully not learn to fear gaps, but instead feel empowered to know how to handle them.<br />
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Instead of being afraid of not knowing how to do something or how to answer a question, our children can embrace their knowledge gaps and recognize that each gap is actually an opportunity, either to learn or discover or invent new things, or to work with and rely on others who can help them. Our children will not feel ashamed if they don’t always know how to cross the gaps immediately, or alone, or ever.<br />
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This is where we, the parents, and other supportive adults, come in. We can help our children learn how to navigate the gaps they come upon. To continue with the analogy, we don’t just hand over the bicycles to our children and assume our jobs are done. We know our children. We help them figure out which type of bicycle is most appropriate at a given time and we give them access. We stand behind and push our toddlers on tricycles. We provide training wheels or balance bikes until our kids feel ready to ride on two wheels. We provide helmets and other safety equipment as needed. We get on our own bicycles, and ride alongside our children. We are there to help them stand up if they fall. To fix their flat tires. To watch out for dangers. And we are there to help them explore and cross the gaps they find along their paths. We provide as much help as they need, until they have enough practice and confidence to do it without us right next to them.<br />
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We are there, especially while they are very young, to make sure they understand that riding their bicycles in freedom does NOT mean they are allowed to ride around anywhere they want. We help them and guide them and talk to them about respecting people around them, and things that belong to other people.<br />
We help them remember that crossing a gap does not mean riding through someone’s garden just because it might be the easiest way. When we are comfortable that they understand these things, maybe we ride behind them at a distance for a while.<br />
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We watch them to see how they handle the gaps in front of them. We and our children grow, and we can be confident that whatever gaps they approach as they grow up, they will be able to decide which gaps they want to cross and to come up with a plan on how to do so.<br />
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Sometimes we might catch a glimpse of the school train and worry that we and our kids are not keeping up with it. When these doubts and worries creep in, it helps to remind ourselves that we are providing the opportunity for our children to experience a life with richness and depth that are immeasurable, specifically BECAUSE we are NOT pressuring them to keep up with the train. Because we are mostly ignoring the train as we live our lives. Are we going slower than the train? Probably. Are we going to end up covering the same exact gaps as the train does? Definitely not.<br />
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We will not have the same convenience that school parents have, of being provided with a neat little map at the end of each year that shows where our children’s trains have been and how well our children kept up with them. We will not have the grades to prove to others how well we are educating our children. We will not be validated by people who believe in the train and will never understand how we can live without it.<br />
What can help us feel better is to decide early on whether or not these things really matter. To remind ourselves often that we are trading the perceived efficiency and predictability of the system that follows the train tracks for a unique and rich and joyful and wonderful life on bicycles. The gaps we and our children discover and explore and cross will feel meaningful and memorable, instead of feeling frustrating and obligatory, constantly moving in a direction someone else has chosen.<br />
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The beauty of unschooling is that it allows the members of a family to live together, learn together. As parents, we not only get to watch our children grow and learn, but we also get to experience a way of living and learning for ourselves that most of us never had a chance to experience before. We get to explore the world on our own bicycles. We get to go through the gaps we always knew we wanted to experience more deeply. We get to find new gaps we never knew existed because we couldn’t see them from our seats inside the trains we spent most of our lives on.<br />
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Do unschoolers MIND THE GAPS?<br />
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Yes and no. No, unschoolers don’t MIND the gaps, in the sense that we are worried or distressed by their existence. But yes, unschoolers MIND the gaps, in the sense that we are aware of their existence, we approach them thoughtfully, and we take care to cross the ones that are most important to us and our children.<br />
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So the next time someone asks you if you are afraid your child will have knowledge gaps because of unschooling, you can say something like, “I’m sure they will! And what thrilling opportunities those gaps will provide for my child!”<br />
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The next time you are feeling doubts about unschooling, when you question whether or not your child is learning everything he or she needs to know, you can think of bicycles. You can think of all the interesting gaps your child has crossed so far on a bicycle. And you can get excited about the possibilities of where and when your child will find the next gap, and how you can support him or her in crossing it.<br />
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Unschooling at its best is built on trust among family members, and trust in human nature. Trust that children have a strong desire to learn about things, even if those things may not be on the short list of school subjects. Trust that, with our acceptance and support, our children will follow their own paths, leading exactly where they want to go.Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-42120415838365478392013-02-07T08:00:00.000-05:002013-02-07T10:53:57.881-05:00How Do You Know When To Help Your Child?Your child is struggling to do something. How do you know when to help, and when to stand back and let him work it out on his own?<br />
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Here is a chart that illustrates my thought process in this situation:<br />
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Sometimes your child wants your help. If you can help, then why not do it? If you do, <b>he will learn that getting the help he need feels good, and that it's cool to help other people when they need it.</b><br />
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Sometimes, you can't help in the specific way your wants you to. In that case, you and your child may be able to find someone else who is able and willing or figure out a different way to help him accomplish his goal. If you do this, <b>he will learn that you care about his needs, that you are resourceful and creative, and that there is often more than one way to do something.</b><br />
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Sometimes your child doesn't want your help. If it is safe to do so, why not stand back and let him figure things out? You can let him know you are there if he needs you, but stay out of his way. If you do, <b>he will learn that you trust him to know when he needs help and that you have confidence in his abilities. Also, he will have the opportunity to get better at whatever it is he is struggling with.</b><br />
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Sometimes your child doesn't want your help but he is doing something dangerous and doesn't understand the risk involved. In that case, of course you step in if you can. If you are unable to intervene in time, you can help by comforting your hurt child and calling for more help if needed. Once the situation is safe enough, you explain why you stepped in, and help your child understand the danger and figure out a safer way to accomplish his goal. If you do this, <b>he will learn that you are looking out for him.</b><br />
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These are all things I want my children to learn. How about you?<br />
<br />
On the other hand, w<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">hat does a child learn when he wants help and his parent refuses to help him? What does he learn when he doesn't want help but it is forced on him constantly?</span><br />
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<br />
I have read a bit about this issue recently, and I
think maybe some people are confused about it. I think some people
confuse "letting" a child do something on his own with "forcing" the
child to do it on his own even when he doesn't want to. There is a big difference. There is also a big difference between insisting upon helping or doing something for a child, and being willing to help when he wants it. The child's wishes should not be ignored in these discussions.<br />
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Here are the articles I'm referring to, if you are interested:<br />
<br />
From <i>The Atlantic</i>, <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/01/why-parents-need-to-let-their-children-fail/272603/">Why Parents Need To Let Their Kids Fail</a><br />
<br />
And from <i>Alameda Patch</i>, <a href="http://alameda.patch.com/blog_posts/please-dont-help-my-kids">Please Don't Help My Kids</a><br />
<br />Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-9857179211141179132013-01-07T10:36:00.000-05:002013-01-07T10:36:38.836-05:00The Truth About Having KidsBefore you have kids, you might spend time thinking about who your kids will be. You might think about how you will raise them and mold them to be a certain way.<br />
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You might decide you will offer only the "healthiest" food and then they won't even want junk food. You might decide you won't ever let them watch television and then they won't even like looking at screens.<br />
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Maybe you think you'll make them go to bed at a certain time, so they will learn to always get enough sleep. And you'll make them always pick up their toys so they will learn to clean up after themselves.<br />
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You might wonder why these and other simple ideas seem to escape the parents who have come before you. You think they must be doing it wrong. They're inconsistent and soft. Yeah, that must be it.<br />
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Then you have a baby. For a while, everything is great and going according to plan. Well, except for the sleeping part. But everything else, totally perfect.<br />
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Then your sweet little baby, who was going along with your plan without complaint, becomes a toddler. And your toddler has ideas. Your toddler sees a working television while out and about. She's mesmerized. She's curious and *gasp* enjoying it. She wants more. Your toddler sees cookies at a party, she sees the candy at the checkout counter of the grocery store. Not only does she want these and other shocking things, but it turns out she also loves some of them.<br />
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One by one, your toddler starts chipping away at your ideas, trying to implement a different plan. Her own plan. It's a plan to try everything, to taste everything, to sleep only when her body demands it and there's nothing else fun going on. Her plan is to explore her world and to immerse herself into whatever interests her. Her plan is to seek out the things that make her happy and do those things.<br />
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At this point you have two choices. You could cling to your original plan. It seems safer. You like being in control. Or you could realize that your toddler's plan is actually much better than your plan. If you dig even deeper, you might realize that your toddler's plan was actually your real original plan too. The plan you were born to follow as well, but most likely didn't get to. If you do realize this, you will stop fighting your child's desires and instead support her passions for exploring and learning.<br />
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The truth is that kids (people) come with their own plans. And your best plan for your children may be to understand and follow along with theirs. To help them navigate the world and figure out who they are, and not who you want them to be.Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-33001761190784929892012-04-12T09:14:00.000-04:002012-04-12T09:14:31.461-04:00Stop Panicking About Bullies?Nick Gillespie, at the Wall Street Journal, says <a href="http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702303404704577311664105746848.html#printMode">we are worrying too much about bullying</a>. There is no bullying crisis, he says. Parents are too overprotective, he says. Things are getting better, he says.<br />
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Lenore Skenazy, author of the book <i>Free Range Kids, </i><a href="http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/2012/04/02/you-can-be-anti-bullying-and-still-not-buy-into-new-bullying-crisis/">writes about the article on her blog</a>:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Like Gillespie, I am appalled by true bullying and in favor of a society that does not tolerate it.</i></blockquote>
All right, what is "true bullying" as opposed to some other kind of (false?) bullying? She explains a bit further:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i> ...to lump together unbearable harassment with minor teasing is just a mistake.</i></blockquote>
Right, so "unbearable harassment" is appalling and "minor teasing" is nothing to worry about. Got it. But who gets to decide the difference? If not the victim himself, then who? If a child finds his environment unbearable, who are we to say otherwise? And what about things in-between the two extremes as Skenazy describes? What about harassment that's sort of bearable? Is that worth troubling our helicopter-selves with? What about relentless "minor" teasing?<br />
<br />
Anyway, Skenazy says she is "in a rage" by any talk of a growing bullying crisis. She picks out a very convenient quote from Gillespie's article, which says:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Despite the rare and tragic cases that rightly command our attention and
outrage, the data show that things are, in fact, getting better for
kids. When it comes to school violence, the numbers are particularly
encouraging. According to the National Center for Education Statistics,
between 1995 and 2009, the percentage of students who reported “being
afraid of attack or harm at school” declined to 4% from 12%. Over the
same period, the victimization rate per 1,000 students declined
fivefold.</i></blockquote>
Wow, everyone! Four percent?! Really? Bullying seems like it's pretty much over. Oh wait, keep reading just a tiny bit further in the WSJ article and you don't have to wonder why Skenazy chose that quote, and not the one immediately after it:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>When it comes to bullying numbers, long-term trends are less clear. [NCES] reports find that 28% of students ages 12-18 reported
being bullied in 2005; that percentage rose to 32% in 2007, before
dropping back to 28% in 2009 (the most recent year for which data are
available).</i></blockquote>
The first quote says everything is fine. In fact, things are so much better, that the problems are almost completely gone (4%! Down from 12%!). The second quote says the numbers are <i>less clear</i>, that around 30% of students reported being bullied, and that the number hasn't changed much in the recent past. While it means bullying may not be increasing, it certainly does not prove that things are getting much better, as Skenazy would like us to believe.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqfIdxzOeTbmLrjz-yWxGZQGddAoyUetazimZCdu2bWEiySThyphenhyphenfkYmm2y8s8xqgTXwAYceVF-bI5GL4_T4Vy7C4t_-untUE0FS41CmgGpH-dr2RpyBcMCuTMhb0sGwESM4rIynUrBUj-g/s1600/fig11_1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="350" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqfIdxzOeTbmLrjz-yWxGZQGddAoyUetazimZCdu2bWEiySThyphenhyphenfkYmm2y8s8xqgTXwAYceVF-bI5GL4_T4Vy7C4t_-untUE0FS41CmgGpH-dr2RpyBcMCuTMhb0sGwESM4rIynUrBUj-g/s400/fig11_1.gif" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From the <a href="http://nces.ed.gov/programs/crimeindicators/crimeindicators2011/figures/figure_11_1.asp">National Center for Education Statistics</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
So where did that 4% number come from? I was curious, so I went right to the source. The <a href="http://nces.ed.gov/programs/crime/pdf/student/SCS09.pdf" target="_blank">survey questions </a>and the<a href="http://nces.ed.gov/programs/crimeindicators/crimeindicators2011/key.asp" target="_blank"> key findings</a> of the study done by the National Center for Education Statistics are published on their website. It turns out, there are many sections in the survey. The section called "Fighting, Bullying and Hate Behaviors" includes the questions that lead to the conclusions those around-30% numbers. There is a completely different section, apart from the bullying section, entitled "Fear," under which the questions about fear of "attack or harm" were asked. These are the questions that give us the 4% number. These questions are, by design of the study, not related to bullying. It seems those questions are referring to other kinds of violent acts.<br />
<br />
Why is the 4% number being used in articles and blog posts on bullying? Because it's convenient for those who want to downplay the bullying problem. The trouble is, it is irresponsible and misleading. When almost one-third of children are being bullied in school, there IS a crisis.Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-66479857772129974972012-03-12T10:10:00.000-04:002012-03-12T10:19:49.611-04:00Would You Brag About These Things?<br />
Would you brag about beating your toddler in a game of chess? About beating your 7-year-old in a running race?<br />
<br />
Would you brag about beating your 10-year-old at Scrabble? About making more money than your 14-year-old?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_QWpNVqlB1plbMtS-n6OvUJefs6xHIc1NU5YD4GPeiBLgmat9RQ4dsiMWMBy5zEeRY0qDqLmTTahHHz15sy3rgbu30fqTtbxrAYYNZgjmeOrAVZbnpSkPjbvU5pqiowh_0K8cE8cJe8s/s1600/P1080501.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_QWpNVqlB1plbMtS-n6OvUJefs6xHIc1NU5YD4GPeiBLgmat9RQ4dsiMWMBy5zEeRY0qDqLmTTahHHz15sy3rgbu30fqTtbxrAYYNZgjmeOrAVZbnpSkPjbvU5pqiowh_0K8cE8cJe8s/s320/P1080501.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You're probably better at puzzles, too.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
If you are like most people I know, you would probably say "No" to the above questions. If you answered "Yes" to any of them, you probably want to stop reading here.<br />
<br />
I'm assuming most parents wouldn't brag about these things. Why not? Because it's pretty obvious why we might be better at these things than our children. We are bigger, stronger, more experienced with words and strategies and making money. The decks are stacked in our favor. Our kids have no chance against us in these and many other competitions.<br />
<br />
Yet, I often hear parents bragging about winning over their children in other kinds of "<a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/05/is-your-home-war-zone.html">battles</a>," as if it makes any more sense than it would to brag about a chess victory over a three-year-old. I see parents patting themselves and each other on the back for proving how big and strong and powerful they are. Guess what, parents? Your kids already know you are more powerful than they are. This is a lesson that does not need to be taught. Your children are frequently reminded of how powerful you are, every time you do (or refuse to do) something for them that they cannot do for themselves.<br />
<br />
If life is a game, then you have a choice as a parent. You can view your child as an opponent, with whom you are constantly in competition. You can focus on beating your child at the game, proving how much more powerful you are. You can make all the rules, add new ones all the time: <i>eat three more bites before you can leave the table, stay in bed alone until you fall asleep, go to your room, only 30 minutes of TV today..</i>. You can use physical force or withholding of "privileges" or psychological manipulation to ensure that you will win.<br />
<br />
When your child complains to you about the striking unfairness of the way the game is setup, you can ignore her. When she realizes you aren't listening she may complain to other people about how unfair the game is (how unfair you are). When you find out about this, you can take away or destroy her means of communication with others. You can take away her cell phone, <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2012/02/what-kind-of-bed-do-you-make-with-gun.html">shoot her laptop</a>, forbid her from seeing her friends outside of school.<br />
<br />
You can brag about ignoring your child's "tantrums" or getting him to eat something he didn't want to eat. You can brag about tricking your child, cheating at the game to get your way. You can call each of these things a "win" for you. If you do so, you will most likely get pats on the back from other parents. Just remember that as often as you are "winning," your child is losing. Even as you declare your victory, your child may be losing faith in you, losing interest in you. If this is the case, what exactly are you winning? Bragging rights? Are they worth that much?<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFNIqOisqcOpZly5HExobMbz0sHCEGplZJC_FunYBY_T7qAhf0A1XHTaamhnpOYnPpbQrEskpuArWwtnYjf0OeddKN1Ud27a8eyIaznd40MVYRYoxbYQGlOfiJosRaY5J03IV3ZA7NUcY/s1600/P1080453.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFNIqOisqcOpZly5HExobMbz0sHCEGplZJC_FunYBY_T7qAhf0A1XHTaamhnpOYnPpbQrEskpuArWwtnYjf0OeddKN1Ud27a8eyIaznd40MVYRYoxbYQGlOfiJosRaY5J03IV3ZA7NUcY/s200/P1080453.JPG" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Play. Together.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
If you don't like the sound of that, rest assured, there is another option. You can view your child as a partner, a member of your team in this game. You can have fun together, without competing at all, without needing to declare winners and losers. You can make up the rules as you go along, together with your child. You can listen when your child has a problem with the way you are setting up the game, and figure out how to keep it fun for both of you. You can tend to your child's needs and be supportive of his food choices and other preferences.<br />
<br />
If you choose this way, you will probably get the confused or nasty looks from other parents, the ones who are trying win as many battles as possible. They may call you crazy or weak. They may list for you all the ways in which they are winning. These parents have no idea what they are losing.Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-84829365863958114952012-02-14T09:07:00.001-05:002012-02-14T09:07:55.896-05:00So What If She Bought It With Her Own Money?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVfOLJkCOKXX7dIEEaqqk9IxuAn75z6-EqPF0USYrQoftOsgmZWhWrTsTNZEIiIF06L82u5d-Ki0bWXEw9zV3Fdr4iOIsdMq3tKyAKtLl_Mac2x02mLGSxXKfxjTlz3AbBoNJQlWutHtY/s1600/laptop.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVfOLJkCOKXX7dIEEaqqk9IxuAn75z6-EqPF0USYrQoftOsgmZWhWrTsTNZEIiIF06L82u5d-Ki0bWXEw9zV3Fdr4iOIsdMq3tKyAKtLl_Mac2x02mLGSxXKfxjTlz3AbBoNJQlWutHtY/s200/laptop.png" width="200" /></a></div>
You might be tired of hearing about Tommy Jordan, the man who <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2012/02/what-kind-of-bed-do-you-make-with-gun.html">shot his daughter's laptop</a> to punish her for complaining about him on Facebook. I know, I'm tired of it too. I was tempted to drop it completely, but I think this is a very important story. It's not so much about this one family anymore, but about the families of the thousands and thousands of people who think that his act was not only justified, but a show of good parenting.<br />
<br />
One very important aspect of the public reaction is that many people have said that since this father bought the
laptop for his daughter (which they assumed), that made it acceptable
for him to destroy it. Some of them even said that it would be different
if she bought it with her own money. Well, I came across this last night, which is allegedly a quote from Tommy Jordan himself, from his own Facebook page,
in response to someone who asked why he didn't just sell his daughter's
laptop instead of shooting it:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I actually considered selling it on eBay, but decided against it. She
bought it with her money. For us to sell it and take the money, in my
mind anyways, is just theft, even from my own kid.</i>
</blockquote>
I
tried digging through the more than 30,000 (!) comments on the posting to
see if I could get a screen shot to prove this, but it was too
time-consuming. After trying for a while, I realized it wouldn't matter
if I proved it anyway. For at least a few people, it didn't. Last night I read
some discussion threads that went like this:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Dad-supporter1: <i>The laptop was technically his since he bought it with his money, so it's fine if he wanted to destroy it.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Daughter-supporter: <i>The dad said she bought it with her money so really it belonged to her.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Dad-supporter1: <i>Oh, well actually it doesn't matter anyway, because
legally anything a child owns belongs to the parents. It was still his
to destroy.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Dad-supporter2: <i>Yeah, and where did she get the money to buy a laptop if
she didn't have a job? It must have been her father's money. Therefore
it belongs to him.</i></blockquote>
You see, it is convenient at the start to assume the father had bought
the laptop for his daughter, because that makes it easy for people to
allow him ownership of it (<a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/12/you-call-that-gift.html">even if it was a gift to her</a>). But it's not a necessary condition if one is looking to justify the father's actions. Even with
the father admitting that it was HER money used to purchase the laptop,
<a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/12/do-your-children-own-anything.html">people will find a way to take it away from her</a>.<br />
<br />
The father himself admits that if he sold the laptop and took the money,
that would be stealing, but to render the item useless? No problem. What
is the disconnect here? How is destroying her property NOT stealing?<br />
<br />
I have read some of the follow-up to this story, and it has been very discouraging. Apparently Hannah is saying it was not a big deal,
after she got over the initial shock. It makes me sad to think that she
(along with so many other people) has brushed off this assault on her rights. However, I realize she doesn't have much of a choice. She has to live with this man for a few more years. Mr. Jordan has said that he doesn't regret what he did (except for the fact that he was holding a cigarette, that he used the word "ass," and some parts of his wardrobe choice). Otherwise <a href="http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/nationnow/2012/02/father-shoots-daughters-laptop.html">he would do it again</a> the same way. Therefore no matter how upset Hannah really is about this, she knows better than to make a fuss now, as long as her father is still around her-but-not-really-her belongings with a gun.<br />
<br />
I also feel terrible about all of the nastiness being thrown in her
direction. She is the clear villain in this story to most people, as if
they were never teenagers and never had complaints about their parents.
So many people have said "Yeah, but I would never have posted that on Facebook." I would
like to remind these people that they would never have heard her words were
it not for her father reading them to the internet-at-large. He is the one who publicized her words.<br />
<br />
The general public consensus seems to be that children should not have the right to own property at all, even if that property was obtained with their own money. Also, many people seem to feel that children complaining about their parents is disrespectful and is an offense punishable by destruction of the property that doesn't even belong to them. That is discouraging for all the children out there who are being mistreated by the very people who brought them into this world.<br />
<br />
One more disturbing fact: when the police came to visit the Jordan home, to answer the many calls they received about the incident, here's what Mr. Jordan says happened:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>The police by the way said ‘Kudos, Sir’ and most of them made their
kids watch it. I actually had a ‘thank you’ from an entire detectives
squad.</i> </blockquote>
So much for the police looking out for this teen and her property. I hope if someone destroyed something of mine, the police reaction would be better than this.<br />
<br />
I can't promise I am done talking about this yet.Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-45160306322872662212012-02-10T09:02:00.000-05:002012-02-14T09:09:55.335-05:00What Kind Of Bed Do You Make With a Gun?<div style="font-family: inherit;">
Last night I watched a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl1ujzRidmU&feature=youtu.be">video</a> that has gone viral, featuring a man with a
gun. The man took this video of himself, posted it himself, and what he
chose to show the world was an upsetting picture of who he is.</div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx3sZyD0xfXmngHukLUucL1bs_UfD2qK479TjY8KRxn5LETxB5CBaruiq66jSl0s0DNMYRWrx7SfO7yL64itoEAMAhZnSj6uHlDHYCgsg0QNRMgzCxsh0GvRedJq3pRT1VJzNzhWB-aDM/s1600/gunshot+father.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="187" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx3sZyD0xfXmngHukLUucL1bs_UfD2qK479TjY8KRxn5LETxB5CBaruiq66jSl0s0DNMYRWrx7SfO7yL64itoEAMAhZnSj6uHlDHYCgsg0QNRMgzCxsh0GvRedJq3pRT1VJzNzhWB-aDM/s320/gunshot+father.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
The first half of the video is his reading of a letter that his daughter
Hannah wrote, aimed at her parents, and posted on Facebook with the
belief that they would not see it (although I wonder if she was really hoping they would see it, so maybe they would understand how miserable she is). The father found it by apparently
using some sneaky tactics. It was a very depressing letter, in which
Hannah passionately expresses her frustration with her parents and their
poor treatment and high demands of her. Her father reads the letter to
anyone who will listen, in hopes that it will make Hannah look bad. He
picks apart her words, disputes her claims, and calls her lazy and
stupid, among other names.</div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTbwjMDZrSSAr0S-Gm6A_GmUL0PPh4aXnj-PZbwrQaods9ZArATIhSmkhfA0xl0Xu_V0a_v9xlshyKiSypEAnU3MY3YIscIcfOdJ_SkFnDyploUbGfyImVg8tQrDNDItSyt2AQDpRzZGs/s1600/laptop.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTbwjMDZrSSAr0S-Gm6A_GmUL0PPh4aXnj-PZbwrQaods9ZArATIhSmkhfA0xl0Xu_V0a_v9xlshyKiSypEAnU3MY3YIscIcfOdJ_SkFnDyploUbGfyImVg8tQrDNDItSyt2AQDpRzZGs/s200/laptop.png" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This happens at the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=kl1ujzRidmU#t=430s">7:10 mark</a>.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
At the end of the video, he puts the icing on the (sick, twisted) cake
when he shoots nine bullets into what he has referred to several times as
"her" laptop. This punishment is extreme and rather scary, well outside the bounds of even commonly accepted punitive parenting. I wonder how long ago it was that he gifted her that
laptop. Was he excited to give it to her then? Did he take pride in his
ability to give her such a gift, and feel satisfied when she expressed
gratitude in some way (a thank-you, a smile, a squeal of joy, maybe even
a hug...)? Did he let her enjoy her gift for any amount of time, or did he immediately start holding it over her head, demanding appreciation for it? What part of the word "<a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/12/you-call-that-gift.html">gift</a>" does he not understand? What suddenly made it ok for him to destroy <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/12/do-your-children-own-anything.html">her property</a> in
such a violent manner?</div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
He explains that Hannah will be able to get a new laptop, when she can
buy one for herself. I would advise her not to do so until she is able
to move out of his home, because I would bet a lot of money that he
would not hesitate to brutally murder that one as well, any time he got that angry at
her again.</div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
Many comments have been written in support of what this man did. They
cheer for his violent and disturbing act of publicly berating his
daughter and shooting her property, because they say Hannah deserved it
for writing such a nasty letter. They hail is as "parenting done right."
I disagree wholeheartedly. She had obviously been given many reasons to write that letter, and her father's video only proves that her discontent is justified. </div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
The most striking part of the video (besides the gunshots) is when he
details the list of chores he has demanded of Hannah. He describes each
one and smugly offers an estimate of how long each task should take.
According to him, the total time he asks of her is very small: not more
than a few minutes for each of a few simple tasks. If it's true that he
asks so little of her, is it really worth forcing it, while causing so
much damage to their relationship? If the chores are as easy as he says
they should be, why not just do them himself? In fact, he could have
finished almost all of them in the time it took for him to record his
eight-minute tirade.</div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
He hoped to teach his daughter a thing or two. I'm not sure exactly what
he intended to teach, but the only lessons he conveyed to me were the
following:</div>
<ol>
<li>He does not respect his daughter or her property.</li>
<li>He runs his family like a business, in which he is the unquestionable
boss and his child is his employee, but without even basic rights (one
could be arrested for shooting an employee's personal computer).</li>
<li>He is a vindictive and violent man who is not to be trusted.</li>
</ol>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
One of Hannah's responsibilities is to make her bed (which, to me, is an
inexplicable thing to require of someone). I couldn't help but think of
the old saying: "You make your bed, and then you must lie in it." What
kind of bed has this man made for himself, in terms of his relationship
with his soon-to-be adult daughter? One that is prickly and scary and
cold and not welcoming or safe or happy. One that has already led Hannah to write about
how miserable she is with him.</div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<b>Well sir, </b><b>I hope you are satisfied with
the bed you have made for yourself, because you will spend the rest of
your life lying in it.</b> Someday you will wake up in this bed and wonder
what went wrong. You will wonder why <a href="http://parentfreebychoice.blogspot.com/">your daughter doesn't want to spend time with you</a>, doesn't trust you. On that day, I would invite you to
watch the video of yourself. It explains everything.<br />
<br />
*******************<br />
<br />
<i>More on this story: <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2012/02/so-what-if-she-bought-it-with-her-own.html">So What If She Bought It With Her Own Money?</a></i> </div>Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.com79tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-67837211635449716202012-02-02T10:43:00.000-05:002012-02-02T11:17:00.655-05:00Five Suggestions For Potty (Without) Training<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdA-LYV6GhCsu7-b7nHh5Ru8JYbfvrhTCgIVqZk4X9XUvYEy__GMMZ57Yz7OmWYN_Ql6Pgj7q8xVQj6y2qjxL3bEMT_UwonnL1Ns_IXGGdWYdo3lv4XGmzx6IpgaijYOpPb8klfv0S9Vw/s1600/41Xu6w6JEZL._AA300_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdA-LYV6GhCsu7-b7nHh5Ru8JYbfvrhTCgIVqZk4X9XUvYEy__GMMZ57Yz7OmWYN_Ql6Pgj7q8xVQj6y2qjxL3bEMT_UwonnL1Ns_IXGGdWYdo3lv4XGmzx6IpgaijYOpPb8klfv0S9Vw/s200/41Xu6w6JEZL._AA300_.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(source)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
After I posted <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2012/01/what-i-do-instead-of-punishing-my-kids.html">What I Do Instead Of Punishing My Kids</a>, I had a few people ask on my Facebook page about potty training, and how it can be done without punishments or rewards. I think it starts with changing the way we approach it, even changing how we talk about it. If a parent looks at it as "training" a child then it will be almost impossible to do without the punishments or rewards.<br />
<br />
"Training your child" means doing something <i>to </i>him or her. <span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">On the other hand, "helping your child learn" to use the potty is
absolutely something you can do <i>with </i>your child as a "partner" rather than a
"trainer." Here are some things that might help the partnership:</span><br />
<ol>
<li><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><b>Provide access.</b> No matter how old your child is, you can get a small <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Fisher-Price-Precious-Planet-Froggy-Friend/dp/B001GQ2RW6/ref=sr_1_1?s=baby-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1328192721&sr=1-1">potty </a>(or two) and let him sit on it and play around it. It can be right in the living room or bedroom. You can also get a seat to put on the regular toilet to make it more comfortable and accessible. Also, it will be easier for her to sit down and go when she doesn't have to pull down pants and take off a diaper first. </span><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">If your child is comfortable being without a diaper or pants, let it happen whenever you can.</span></li>
<li><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><b>Be present.</b> Look for signs that your child is ready to go, and offer to read him a
book or play a game with him while he sits on the potty, if he wants to. Sit on the floor next to him.</span><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"> Have fun instead of force around potty time.</span></li>
<li><span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"> </span><b>Prepare yourself (physically) for puddles.</b> If there is diaper-free time, there will be puddles. It will be easier to deal with these puddles if you have a plan in place. Put a washable pad on the bed or the couch. Figure out in advance what you will use to clean up (I highly recommend <a href="http://jilliansdrawers.com/products/clothdiapers/clothdiapers/prefolds/indianprefolds">cloth diapers</a> for this - very absorbent) and where wet clothes and towels will go (I love a <a href="http://jilliansdrawers.com/products/clothdiapers/accessories/wetbagsandpailliners">wet bag</a> for this, because it can go right in the wash with whatever is inside it). Have the supplies handy.</li>
<li><b>Prepare yourself (mentally) for puddles.</b> A little pee on the floor or the carpet or the bed is not a major problem. Think about this in advance so you don't get upset when it happens. Just clean it up and don't make a big deal out of it. Clean-up can be a breeze.</li>
<li><b>Drop the deadline and be flexible.</b> If you have in your mind that it should or will happen by a certain age or within a certain time frame, it will make it more difficult to be your child's partner. Trust that it will happen. Avoid putting pressure on your child or your self. Just as children <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/06/your-baby-can-walk.html">learn to walk</a> and talk at different ages, they learn to use the potty at different ages. Your child might have no interest in using the potty whatsoever. She may go through periods of interest and use, and then completely turn away from it for a while.</li>
</ol>
<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">Overall, try to remember that the learning will look more like a windy path with ups and downs, rather than a staircase with clearly defined steps. If you are "training your child" to use the potty with a staircase in mind, then any miss will look like a failure. Any pattern of misses will look like a step back, a regression. Expectations may be high unrealistic. If you are instead "helping your child learn" to use the potty, any miss is a curve or a bump in the path. It can be something you have planned for, so you clean up and don't worry about it. You can expect that your child is doing exactly what he is capable of doing in the given situation.</span><br />
<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><br /></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text">**************************</span></div>
<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><br /></span><br />
<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><i>On a personal note, I practiced some "part-time EC" with my second child, starting when he was eight months old. I did not use this as a way to get him "trained" earlier or faster, but simply as another way to partner with him, to support his learning, to help him feel comfortable with using the potty from an early age. It was very cool. You can read more about it <a href="http://www.diaperfreebaby.org/">here</a>, and feel free to ask me about it.</i></span><br />
<br />
<span class="commentBody" data-jsid="text"><i>Also, none of the links above are sponsored, just my own personal suggestions. This blog continues to be ad-free. </i></span>Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-53161205514816970542012-01-20T09:08:00.001-05:002012-01-20T09:08:59.933-05:00What I Do Instead Of Punishing My Kids<div style="font-family: inherit;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"></span></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;">
</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span>In <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/06/why-i-dont-discipline-my-kids.html" style="color: #f6b26b;" target="_blank">Why I Don't Discipline My Kids</a>, I talked mostly about what I <i>don't</i>
do. I don't use punishments and rewards of any kind to correct or
change my children's behavior. It's easy to see why if you can imagine
that a child learns any skill in the same way as he<a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/06/your-baby-can-walk.html" target="_blank"> <span style="color: #f6b26b;">learns to walk</span></a>.
It's self-motivated, it doesn't require manipulation.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span> </span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span>My
children are now (almost) three and five years old. They both know how to walk
and run and jump and climb. But before my children learned these
things, I carried them or strolled them everywhere. I didn't expect
them to get anywhere independently, and I didn't expect them to avoid
dangers or get around obstacles without my help. I took full
responsibility for keeping my children safe.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4TBXQhLXiHUf8IyY8RNW4UyqxxSrHmUsVKPw1Cynt4-3xhWmUUNVG0SbdaJsELKeGA8JEESxUVRJ6O4v0o1hg7gCbtDuXGA_uUYtMTqTU5NwGYc41l5ve1ZpcRWI05VW5Q9sgjGvXUyk/s1600/P1060735.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4TBXQhLXiHUf8IyY8RNW4UyqxxSrHmUsVKPw1Cynt4-3xhWmUUNVG0SbdaJsELKeGA8JEESxUVRJ6O4v0o1hg7gCbtDuXGA_uUYtMTqTU5NwGYc41l5ve1ZpcRWI05VW5Q9sgjGvXUyk/s320/P1060735.JPG" width="320" /></a></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span>Now, I do the same kinds of things for them while they are learning social skills. <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/07/parenting-without-punishment-taking.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: #f6b26b;">I take responsibility</span> </a>for
their actions to see to try to prevent them from hurting themselves,
hurting anyone else, or damaging another person's property.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span><br />
</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span>These are some of the things I <i>do</i>:</span></span></div>
<blockquote>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span><b>I am present with my children as much as possible.</b> I am there to help them handle difficult situations, to navigate around obstacles.</span></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span><b>I remove major obstacles from their paths.</b> </span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: black;"><span> I keep lots of things around the house that can be played with freely. </span></span></span></span><span>I put away a few special things that I most want to keep from being broken or lost.</span></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span><b>I hold their hands when they need me to.</b> I say please and thank you to others for my children when they forget do so.</span></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span><b>I make suggestions for resolution of conflict.</b> I physically stop them from hurting another person when they are unable to stop themselves. </span></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span><b>I apologize to my children and to others when something goes wrong.</b>
I am truly sorry when I fail to prevent an injury or an insult, or
some other kind of damage. I acknowledge that I am only human as well.</span></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span><b>I anticipate what their needs will be.</b>
I watch for signs of unmet needs. I try to take care of their needs as
soon as I can. I offer comfort when I can't do so right away.</span></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span><b>I plan for doing things I think my children will enjoy. </b>I cancel or postpone plans when my children indicate they are not up for something I had planned.<b><br /></b></span></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span><b>I provide plenty of opportunities to rest in between busy times. </b>We spend many days completely and happily in the peace of our own home. </span></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span><b>I expect that things will not always go smoothly according to plan.</b> I expect that my children will make choices that are different than mine would be for them.</span></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span><b>I let my children have control over their bodies.</b> I give them the <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/07/freedom-doesnt-always-look-pretty.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: #f6b26b;">freedom to choose</span> </a>how and where to spend their time.</span></span></div>
</blockquote>
<blockquote>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span><b>I assume my children are doing the best they can at any given time. </b>I show compassion when the best they can do is not what the world expects of them.<b><br />
</b></span></span></div>
</blockquote>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span>In our house, there is no need for punishment, shame, or manipulation.
Instead there is a safe space for mistakes, growth, and learning for
all of us.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span> </span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span><i>This post was originally published on a friend's blog: <a href="http://frecklesfilledwithlove.blogspot.com/2011/07/guest-post-vickie-from-demand-euphoria.html?spref=fb">Heart Rockin' Family.</a></i></span></span></div>Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-55604594208666688472011-12-14T10:33:00.001-05:002011-12-14T10:41:53.820-05:00Do Your Children Own Anything?When I wrote about gifts the other day, in <a class="GMUUXGEDGN" href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/12/you-call-that-gift.html">You Call That a Gift?</a>, I was really only addressing the misuse of the word "gift" as it is applied to things that are clearly not given to children as gifts. The bottom line there is, if the thing given can be taken away whenever the parent feels like it, then it is not a gift.<br />
<br />
Then a few commenters on that post (on my Facebook page) pointed out that there is a much bigger issue here than deciding on a new word for the things given to children with all kinds of strings attached. I'll explain with a fictional but very believable story:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Mark was 15 when his parents gave him a shiny new laptop for Christmas. They were so excited to give it to him because they knew how much he loved to play games on the computer. It was a joyful moment as he tore open the wrapping and his eyes lit up. He was surprised and delighted and gratitude poured out from his mouth. It was his own. Or so he thought.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Fast forward only one month. His grades arrive in the mail. He's not doing so well in math. He hates math. He tries really hard, but doesn't understand the material, or his teacher. He has given up on ever doing well. So he's fine with getting a C, but his parents are not fine with it. They come into his room holding the report card, angry and disappointed apparently because he has not invented the kind of magic it would take for him to suddenly start excelling in math. "We're taking away your laptop until you start getting a B or better," they say. They are hoping it will motivate him to try harder. They don't understand that it's not about trying harder. He's doing his best. "But you said it was mine. You gave it to me. Please don't take it away," Mark begs. "We gave it to you, and we can take it away," his parents bluntly explain.<br />
<br />
This logic gives Mark an idea. He has worked hard for a couple of years to save up some money, and he decides it it important enough to him to have his own laptop, that he will buy one for himself with his own money. This way, his parents can't take it away, right? Wrong. When his new laptop arrives in the mail, <i>his </i>laptop, his parents are furious. They chide him for wasting his money on a new computer when they have just bought him one for Christmas. "But I'm not allowed to use that one!" he reminds them. "And you're not allowed to use this one either. You are sending it back," they say. He knows he has no choice but to follow their orders.</blockquote>
What did Mark learn from this experience? He learned that he did not have the right to own things. His parents owned everything. He learned that money is power, until he tried to use that power by buying his own computer. Then he learned that age is power. He learned that he has no power until he gets older. He learned to look forward to the day when he could get away from his parents. When people couldn't just take away the things that were <i>his</i>.
<br />
<br />
When I wrote my last post, I was upset by the thought of parents giving their children "gifts" with strings attached. I was upset that these parents didn't seem to understand the concept of a gift. But the more I think about it, I understand that it's not about gifts. It's about power and control. It's about rights. Many adults seem to be fine with the idea that children do not have the right to own things. I imagine it's requires a similar justification that was used in the not-so-distant past to justify why women could not own property.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOco2Ib4b8UOqhwuwqxbDx1NUwoSBwrV1-RjSEM9CS-doXzVILvtm6iOnXG2iYrto6yJ3mPn9qIqT4IVxCu92vtR_tgKyRRBXujzIFHyYaljgf16YgIFXHO5Firl_bxV-lO6tW833z_RQ/s1600/IMG00323-20111013-2229.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOco2Ib4b8UOqhwuwqxbDx1NUwoSBwrV1-RjSEM9CS-doXzVILvtm6iOnXG2iYrto6yJ3mPn9qIqT4IVxCu92vtR_tgKyRRBXujzIFHyYaljgf16YgIFXHO5Firl_bxV-lO6tW833z_RQ/s200/IMG00323-20111013-2229.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This one needed a trim anyway.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
In our house, our children own their own things. They are free to use them as they please, as long as they are not hurting anyone or damaging someone else's things, of course. Our children can cut their Barbies' hair, write in their books, cut up their playing cards. They can watch their movies and use pieces from their games for purposes other than those intended. They can eat their candy and wear their clothes in whatever ways they want. They can share or not share their things. They know what it feels like to own something, and to share it willingly. They are learning about ownership, responsibility, and generosity. They are learning that our home is a safe place for them to keep their possessions, and that their father and I are trustworthy protectors of them and their possessions, and their rights.<br />
<br />
What lessons do you want your children to learn about ownership and their rights? About you and how much to trust you?<br />
<br />
Do your children own anything?Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.com37tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-85406491077662022932011-12-12T09:13:00.002-05:002011-12-15T09:07:12.370-05:00You Call That a Gift?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg465k6KkdM2o-LR6sGYbeehtO2MGWoQzSA67dRmYvEaUXQ3gNCD-6X5fysG3vqqX7LXq2SxWrAqB-6irU2UrOeWXU77LVlhWsAJruI5vbyW-dekJK4yVtVrxfkoHHM0axfNnuTj7Zv6-8/s1600/gift.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg465k6KkdM2o-LR6sGYbeehtO2MGWoQzSA67dRmYvEaUXQ3gNCD-6X5fysG3vqqX7LXq2SxWrAqB-6irU2UrOeWXU77LVlhWsAJruI5vbyW-dekJK4yVtVrxfkoHHM0axfNnuTj7Zv6-8/s320/gift.jpg" width="273" /></a></div>
<br />
You know that thing you plan to wrap and give to your child this holiday season? What do you call that thing? Before you call it a <i>gift</i>, remember: <br />
<ul>
<li>It's not a gift if you require a certain type or amount of appreciation in return. </li>
<li>It's not a gift if you reserve or exercise the right to take it away at any moment, for any reason.</li>
<li>It's not a gift if you force your child to use it (or not use it) in a certain way.</li>
<li>It's not a gift if you use it as a tool to manipulate your child. </li>
<li>It's not a gift if you make your child feel guilty for using it too much or not using it enough.</li>
</ul>
If that thing you are giving is not a gift, please don't call it a gift. Find another word for the thing you are giving. Don't even wrap it. If you do insist on wrapping this non-gift, at least make sure your child knows the deal. Slap a warning label on that pretty wrapping paper:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>***THIS IS NOT A GIFT***</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>This item is on loan to you under certain conditions. </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">It can and will be taken away from you at the will of your parents, for any reason, including but not limited to: your room is too messy, your grades are too low, you were grumpy one day, you made a mistake.</span></i></div>
<br />
And don't forget to also label those things your child gets from "Santa" or anyone else, if you plan to use them in the same way. Those are not gifts either.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
If you give your child something as a gift, remember that you are
surrendering possession of that thing. You are permanently transferring ownership of
that thing. It no longer belongs to you. It belongs to your child. If
someone else gives your child something as a gift, remember that thing never belonged to you in the first place. Let your child own her own things.<br />
<br />
A <i>gift </i>is something given freely and without strings attached. It's something you give because you <i>want </i>to
give it. A giver of a gift does not expect anything in return. The
giving of a gift is a happy transaction. If your gift is not like
this, then it is not a gift at all. It is something else entirely.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
**********************</div>
<br />
The issue here is much larger than the meaning of the word "gift". See a follow-up post here: <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/12/do-your-children-own-anything.html">Do Your Children Own Anything?</a><br />
<br />
<i>There's a new post on Parent-Free By Choice today, <a href="http://parentfreebychoice.blogspot.com/2011/12/not-well-adjusted-day-it-ended.html">Not Well Adjusted: The Day It Ended</a>. The author explains that she is no longer speaking to her mother because she "couldn't take her constant judging, harassing, and demands anymore."</i><br />
<br />Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-46078684606422473512011-09-24T09:29:00.003-04:002011-09-24T09:31:53.229-04:00"That's All I Have To Say About That"It's a quote from one of my favorite movies ever: <i>Forrest Gump</i>. It came to me at 5:00 this morning, as my mind was racing while I should have been sleeping. Remember the part of that movie when Forrest starts running across the country? That was what I felt like about eight months ago when I started posting on here. I felt compelled to write, so I wrote. And sort of like Forrest, but on a much smaller scale, I attracted some attention along the way. Some people started following me. My writing even inspired a few people (I've been told).<br />
<br />
Remember what happens next in the movie? One day, Forrest decides he has had enough. He's tired. So he just stops running. <b>That's what I feel like right now.</b><br />
<br />
I have enjoyed writing, reading, and connecting. The wonderful responses have been uplifting. Even the negative ones have helped me to grow. I have gained confidence, clarity, and compassion. It has been like a dream, having people read and connect with my words.<br />
<br />
I have explained my philosophy. My friends and family know I have a plan. Even if they disagree with some of it, they can at least <b>see </b>what my parenting is all about. This was my goal when I started writing. I have also made a lot of new friends in the process. <b>I'm now surrounded by people who treat their children well, which makes me feel good about the world.</b> It makes me feel like there is hope. I know it will continue to catch on.<br />
<br />
I don't know how long this feeling will last, but I am looking forward to a retreat into the peace of my more private life. I'm sure my husband and our children will appreciate it as well.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/262806_917153988947_5615723_42873523_3238123_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="245" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/262806_917153988947_5615723_42873523_3238123_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'll be doing more of this.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
For now, I am going to leave most of my posts up, although I may turn off comments at some point soon. I hope some people will continue to read my writing if it helps them. I hope my most important points will shine through:<br />
<ol>
<li>You can be <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/09/ten-steps-to-kinder-gentler-parenting.html">gentle, kind, and compassionate</a> to your children, and to all children. You can <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/06/7-dangers-of-being-friends-with-your.html">be friends with them</a>, even.</li>
<li>You can <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/09/did-you-kiss-your-baby-with-that-mouth.html">speak softly</a> to your children.</li>
<li>You <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/06/choosing-your-guide.html">don't have to choose</a>
between being controlling and being neglectful. You don't have to
choose whether to be a tiger mom, a helicopter mom, or any other trendy
kind of mom. There is another way. <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/05/i-think-im-human-mother.html">You can be human</a>. Just realize your children are human too. </li>
<li>You can try to remember<a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/05/ten-ways-to-confuse-child.html"> how confusing</a> life could be when you were a child. You can avoid hurting your children in the same ways you were hurt. </li>
<li>You can <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/05/have-parenting-question-ask-your-child.html">talk to your child</a>
about your parenting dilemmas. You can carefully consider this question
as you make decisions: <i>How is this going to affect my relationship with
my child? </i></li>
<li>You can <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/p/what-is-unschooling.html">opt-out of the school system</a> if it doesn't feel right for your family. It's legal to do so all over the United States, and in many other countries as well. It's also fun.</li>
<li>You can question every <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/06/if-my-kid-lands-in-therapy.html">parenting article</a>, every <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/09/war-on-spongebob.html">study about children</a>, every piece of <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/06/dealing-with-unsolicited-parenting.html">advice</a> or <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/06/help-am-i-raising-selfish-sociopaths.html">criticism</a> you receive.</li>
</ol>
<b>Thanks to all of my loyal readers, and to everyone who honored me by sharing my writing with others. I appreciate all of you.</b><br />
<br />
<i><i>And that's all I have to say about that.</i></i> For now.Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-25517371702626555222011-09-23T09:54:00.000-04:002011-09-23T10:03:46.555-04:00Five Myths About Spanking<br />
MYTH: Spanking is not the same as hitting.<br />
FACT: <b>Spanking is different from hitting in name only.</b> A few quick Google searches for definitions and a few applications of the<a href="http://www.mathwords.com/t/transitive_property.htm"> transitive property</a> confirmed this:<br />
<blockquote>
<a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=define+spanking&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a#hl=en&client=firefox-a&hs=RHl&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&tbs=dfn:1&q=hit&tbo=u&sa=X&ei=tXx8Tum2BKPG0AHhgPES&ved=0CDcQvwsoADAE&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.&fp=de4e078a3fa1fd67&biw=882&bih=468">Hit</a>: Bring one's hand or a tool or weapon into contact with (someone or something) quickly and forcefully<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=define+spanking&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a#sclient=psy-ab&hl=en&client=firefox-a&hs=tx5&rls=org.mozilla:en-US%3Aofficial&tbs=dfn:1&source=hp&q=spank&pbx=1&oq=spank&aq=f&aqi=g3g-s1g6&aql=1&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=122077l124792l5l125601l6l5l2l0l0l0l213l623l0.1.2l3l0&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.&fp=de4e078a3fa1fd67&biw=882&bih=468">Spank</a>: <b>Slap </b>with one's open hand or a flat object, esp. on the buttocks as a punishment<br />
<a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=define+spanking&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a#hl=en&client=firefox-a&hs=ly5&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&tbs=dfn:1&q=slap&tbo=u&sa=X&ei=Mn18TrXdKoH20gHspZDZDw&ved=0CDkQvwsoADAF&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.&fp=de4e078a3fa1fd67&biw=882&bih=468">Slap</a>: A <b>blow </b>with the palm of the hand or a flat object<br />
<a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=define+spanking&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a#hl=en&client=firefox-a&hs=Bx5&sa=X&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&biw=882&bih=468&tbs=dfn:1&q=blow&tbo=u&ei=0Hx8TvycIZDI0AHnoYT1Dw&ved=0CE0QvwsoBjAM&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.&fp=de4e078a3fa1fd67">Blow</a>: A powerful <b>stroke </b>with a hand, weapon, or hard object<br />
<a href="http://www.google.com/search?q=define+spanking&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a#sclient=psy-ab&hl=en&client=firefox-a&hs=BKl&rls=org.mozilla:en-US%3Aofficial&tbs=dfn:1&source=hp&q=stroke&pbx=1&oq=stroke&aq=0&aqi=g10&aql=1&gs_sm=c&gs_upl=122661l124710l7l126938l9l8l4l0l0l0l196l725l0.4l4l0&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.&fp=233ffff4e0e8ad34&biw=882&bih=468">Stroke</a>: An act of <b>hitting </b>or striking someone or something</blockquote>
In other words: <b>Spanking = Hitting</b>.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>MYTH: Spanking is all right as a last resort.<br />
FACT: <b>It can't be counted on as a last resort, because sometimes it doesn't bring about the desired result. Then there has to be something else to resort to after it. </b><br />
<br />
MYTH: Spanking is fine as long as it's not done in anger.<br />
FACT: <b>If you are hitting your child, your child may assume you are angry, even if you are pretending not to be. </b>Wouldn't you think someone who's hitting you is angry at you?<br />
<br />
MYTH: Spanking works. It teaches people about what's right and wrong.<br />
FACT: <b>If spanking worked, it would have eliminated itself a long time ago. Everyone who was spanked for hitting someone else would have grown up to know that hitting another person is wrong. Then there wouldn't be any more spanking.</b><br />
<br />
MYTH: There is nothing bad about spanking your child.<br />
FACT: <b>There are <i>many possible </i>consequences of spanking your child:</b><br />
<ul>
<li>There is a chance your child will grow up to fear being touched (hugged, etc) by you.</li>
<li>There is a chance your child will be confused about whether hitting another person is wrong, which means he could be more likely to be involved in an abusive relationship.</li>
<li>There is a chance your child will be more aggressive than he otherwise would be, if he thinks that violence is the answer to problems with people.</li>
<li>There is a chance your child will learn that lying to you is easier than facing your discipline.</li>
</ul>
<span style="font-size: small;"><b>Also, remember: Your child will most likely <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/04/i-survived-it-is-not-ringing.html">survive </a>your parenting, even if you spank
him, but there is a chance your relationship with him may not.</b><br />
<br />
These are chances I am not willing to take. How about you?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">As it says in this post from Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond, called <a href="http://www.positive-parents.org/2011/09/please-stand.html">Please Stand</a>:</span><span style="font-size: small;">
</span><br />
<blockquote>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>It is time speak up for our children. Hitting children is wrong. Period.</i></span></span></blockquote>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;">************************</span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Read more about spanking:<br />
<more about="" spanking:<br="">
<a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/05/three-bad-reasons-to-hit-children.html">Three Bad Reasons To Hit Children</a><br />
<a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/05/when-am-i-allowed-to-hit-someone.html">When Am I Allowed To Hit Someone?</a></more></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><more about="" spanking:<br=""><a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/08/if-you-hate-spanking-your-kids-then.html">If You Hate Spanking Your Kids, Then Stop</a> <br />
</more></span>Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-21762020446702394212011-09-19T08:45:00.000-04:002011-09-19T08:45:08.643-04:00Is Your Child Being Robbed?If a child is forced to say <i>thank you</i> or <i>sorry</i>, then he is robbed of a chance to express his own heartfelt gratitude or apology.<br />
<br />
If a child is forced to <i>eat two more bites</i> of dinner, then she is robbed of a chance to feel just full enough to be satisfied.<br />
<br />
If a child is forced to <i>clean up</i>, then he is robbed of a chance to show how helpful he can be, voluntarily.<br />
<br />
If a child is forced to <i>wear a jacket</i>, then she is robbed of a chance to feel cold enough to know when she really needs one.<br />
<br />
If a child is forced to<i> stop crying</i>, then he is robbed of a chance to express his fears or his dreams.<br />
<br />
If a child is told <i>she is not good enough</i>, then she is robbed of a chance to be happy with herself the way she is.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH25yx9DDBWYv21SADz5SrPXb356fTzNs5QEFZQXURynB7KbFcjZ37VG2_uvOcCFtseBwJLSBmk-_QaruLgPzcE9E_V4Pgvb3pGnpTAWdlqxFr94BrJ5l6aJrlPmZ5l4P9dzGBsRSsQjE/s1600/P1030988.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH25yx9DDBWYv21SADz5SrPXb356fTzNs5QEFZQXURynB7KbFcjZ37VG2_uvOcCFtseBwJLSBmk-_QaruLgPzcE9E_V4Pgvb3pGnpTAWdlqxFr94BrJ5l6aJrlPmZ5l4P9dzGBsRSsQjE/s320/P1030988.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<b>All those times we exert control over our children, we are taking away chances for them to control themselves. How do we expect our children to learn "self-control" if we don't let them practice it?</b><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>***********************</b></div>
<br />
Read about one woman's struggles with a controlling parent over at <a href="http://parentfreebychoice.blogspot.com/2011/09/fresh-wounds-part-1-i-allowed-her-to.html">Parent-Free By Choice</a>.<br />
<br />
<i>Please Note: None of the examples above have anything to do with a child running into the street, or anything else involving imminent danger. Also, I have not said we should never <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/06/choosing-your-guide.html">guide our children.</a></i>Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-46975834620269212802011-09-12T10:29:00.002-04:002011-09-12T11:51:09.040-04:00Change Your Default Setting From "No" to "Maybe"I have had many conversations about parenting in the past eight months since I started this blog. The absolute most frustrating type of conversation goes something like this:
<br />
<blockquote>
Me: <i>I like to help my kids get what they want.</i><br />
Other Person: <i>That's impossible! What if they want to go to the moon in a spaceship? I can't get my kids what they want every time they ask! I'd be broke.</i></blockquote>
Here's why I have a problem with this kind of thinking: It's focused on the <b>impossibilities</b>, the <b>exceptions</b>, the <b>singularities</b>. It's focused on what we <b>can't</b> do. How often do our children want things that are truly impossible to get? More importantly, how often do our children want things that are <b>possible</b>, and we brush them off because we have to teach them<i> <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/05/you-cant-always-get-what-you-want.html">they can't <b>always </b>get what they want</a></i>.<br />
<br />
A parent who thinks this way has the <a href="http://goodjobandotherthings.com/no-a-brief-introduction-to-a-fun-little-word/">default setting of <i>No</i></a>. She's at the grocery store with her kids, and they ask for a piece of candy or a small toy at the checkout counter.<br />
<blockquote>
She thinks:<i> We can't buy something for you <b>every </b>time we go to the store.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
She responds:<i><b> No</b>, put it down.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
She's satisfied with the lesson: <i>You can't <b>always </b>get what you want</i> .</blockquote>
I guess the idea here is that the parent is afraid that if she <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-to-stop-giving-in-to-your-child.html">"gives in"</a> this time, the child will come to expect it every time.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoNVKbqyfY4om2Jn2xbDkmomwO8d0DKzhyphenhyphenWRoPZ0DiTlu3kNa8nzgh4z7BrdrmyuL7B3e1Q59VogRrGAsTccYHChjsqjfl69xbSh2QF62va8EnaoSx3Qj97fMLIhUIoeslJmp7DtEU_-0/s1600/P1060004.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoNVKbqyfY4om2Jn2xbDkmomwO8d0DKzhyphenhyphenWRoPZ0DiTlu3kNa8nzgh4z7BrdrmyuL7B3e1Q59VogRrGAsTccYHChjsqjfl69xbSh2QF62va8EnaoSx3Qj97fMLIhUIoeslJmp7DtEU_-0/s320/P1060004.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
What if she were to change her default setting to <i>Maybe</i>? Not the kind of <i>Maybe </i>that really means <i>No</i>. Not the dismissive <i>Maybe Later,</i> when <i>Later </i>will never actually come. The kind of <i>Maybe </i>that means all possibilities will be considered, and that the answer will sometimes be <i>Yes</i>. A child asks for something in the grocery store...<br />
<blockquote>
Mom thinks: <i>Is it possible?</i><br />
She responds: <i><b>Maybe</b>. How much does it cost? Let's figure out if it's possible today.</i><br />
<br />
If the answer is: <i>Sure, let's get it.</i><br />
The lesson is: <i>Mom sometimes gets you what you want.</i><br />
<br />
If the answer is: <i>We can get it if we put back one other thing from our cart.</i><br />
The lesson is: <i>Mom compromises and sometimes gets you what you want.</i><br />
<br />
If the answer is: <i>I'm sorry, sweetie. We can't get that today.</i><br />
The lesson is: <i>Mom is kind and understanding when she can't get you what you want.</i></blockquote>
In all three cases, the child learns something about his mother. These are the kinds of things I want my kids to learn about me. I want them to learn that I am thoughtful, that I don't just automatically say no, that I do everything I can to figure out ways to honor their wishes, and that I am regretful when I can't do so.<br />
<br />
I want my kids to learn that they often<b> can </b>get what they want. And if they can't get it immediately, but it's really important to them, I will figure out a way to help them get it as soon as possible. I hope they will grow up to believe that their wishes and dreams are important.<br />
<br />
They will learn to be resourceful and persistent. They will learn that starting with the idea that something is possible opens up a lot more options than the alternative. Yes, there are times when something is truly impossible to get. These are not the times that define our relationship. These are the exceptions. They don't expect a <i>Yes </i>every time, but they do expect me to think about it. They already understand that sometimes doesn't mean always. <br />
<br />
What is your default setting when your child asks for something? Are you satisfied with the lesson your child will learn from it? Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-50722646454444918742011-09-10T08:33:00.000-04:002011-09-10T09:19:09.159-04:00Parent-Free By Choice<blockquote>
<i>How many of you out there have chosen to separate yourselves from one or
both of your parents because of the way they treated you?</i></blockquote>
That was the question I asked on Twitter. I was blown away by the responses. There were about 20 people who spoke up and shared a little of their stories with me, out of about 400 followers. I was surprised at how common this issue seemed to be. Then I asked a similar question on Facebook, this time asking people to
email me their stories, not sure what I would do with them yet. <br />
<br />
Here are some of the things people have shared:<br />
<blockquote>
<i>Thank you for your curiosity and openness to this subject many find taboo. </i><br />
<br />
<i>Part of me thinks is it easier to just tell people your mom died than to
say you just don’t speak to her.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>A person can only be hurt so much before enough is enough.</i><br />
<br />
<i>[My father] made my life miserable and then threatened my kids.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>I'm teaching my parents a lesson. I do plan on getting back in touch, but not until they've had a long time to realize that they need us more than we need them.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>It's heartbreaking and it's not an easy choice to make. So much baggage goes along with it. People understand divorce more than they do cutting ties with parents.</i></blockquote>
Many people also shared how they have felt so alone going through this process. Some have people making them feel guilty about their decisions. All this made me wonder: If this is taboo, why is that? Why do we give people a hard time about cutting ties with parents? Do we as a society feel that a person <b>owes </b>her parents something, no matter how badly they have treated her? If this is such a common issue, why aren't we talking about it more?<br />
<br />
After reading through the stories I received, I have decided to start a second blog, to give people a place to give and get support from others who are dealing with similar issues. I'm calling it "<a href="http://parentfreebychoice.blogspot.com/">Parent-Free By Choice</a>." The posts will be stories from (mostly anonymous) readers, who want to share their experiences. It will be a supportive, empowering, compassionate place.<br />
<br />
No one should feel forced to endure mistreatment or abuse from anyone else, even (especially) a parent. A person who chooses to be parent-free is not "running away" from problems, but rather running toward a better, happier life. I'm hoping it will help people to see just how many others are going
through this, or have gone through it and feel at peace with their
decisions.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZns7V1TUCqNzeRzKEUuAAZQX40NZAPWIivZZzQxpD4u04DFlW8FMb3fVISy_lkPSWWVoI9cBxhsJNP8sTtHwi5aYMqFXNDx1vhqYXSOG8HyyJfWAhv0pwH8tgAS1K2Im2D2-Vh7VyvSE/s1600/P1050302.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZns7V1TUCqNzeRzKEUuAAZQX40NZAPWIivZZzQxpD4u04DFlW8FMb3fVISy_lkPSWWVoI9cBxhsJNP8sTtHwi5aYMqFXNDx1vhqYXSOG8HyyJfWAhv0pwH8tgAS1K2Im2D2-Vh7VyvSE/s320/P1050302.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I'm also hoping that the connection between this blog and the new one will be very clear. Let's just say that so far, <b>I have NOT heard anything like the following</b>:<br />
<blockquote>
<i>I don't speak to my parents anymore because they were too supportive and respectful of my freedom.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>I don't speak to my parents anymore because they didn't meddle with my life enough.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>I don't speak to my parents anymore because they treated me too kindly.</i></blockquote>
You get the idea.<br />
<br />
Please go visit the new blog, where <a href="http://parentfreebychoice.blogspot.com/2011/09/it-was-for-my-sanity-my-self-esteem-and.html">the first story</a> is now up. Read, reflect, offer support. Share your story if you think it might help you or someone else. Details on how to do so can be found in the right sidebar on the new blog.Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-18839067107175060962011-09-08T09:01:00.002-04:002011-09-08T09:25:06.752-04:00Ten Steps To Kinder, Gentler ParentingIt seems many parents know exactly the "Mean Voice" I wrote about in <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/09/did-you-kiss-your-baby-with-that-mouth.html">Did You Kiss Your Baby With That Mouth?</a> Now some people want to know: <i>How do you stop yourself from being mean? What do you say instead?</i><br />
<br />
So here are some suggestions for adjustments that might help you move toward kindness.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>
<span style="font-size: large;">Adjust Your Thoughts</span><br />
<br />
<b>1. Think About How You Like To Be Treated</b><br />
Do you like it when someone makes you feel even worse about your messy moments? How do you feel about the person who punishes you, criticizes you, rubs your face in your mistakes? How differently do you feel about person who shows compassion and understanding? The one who offers <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/04/mom-to-rescue.html">assistance </a>and grace? Which kind of person do you want to be for your child?<br />
<br />
<b>2. Think About How You Would React To Someone Else</b><br />
Your
daughter just spilled grape juice on the white couch. How do you react?
Do you show your frustration? Do you feel need to
teach her a lesson about being careful with the juice? Well, think about how you would
react if it were someone else who spilled the juice, like your best
friend. Would you have the same feelings? Would you make her feel bad? Or would you calmly clean it
up, and reassure her that is was not a big deal, and she <i>shouldn't</i> feel
bad? Why wouldn't you be as kind and forgiving to your child as you
would be to a friend?<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Adjust Your Focus</span><br />
<br />
<b>3. Focus On the Relationship, Instead Of Appearances</b><br />
In every interaction with your child, ask yourself: Am I building up my relationship with my child? Or am I sacrificing it for the sake of looking like a model parent? Are my words and my actions contributing to closeness with my child, or are they driving a wedge between us?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOGTIYIhPkGLDF3grCLoU4ZwfddZfbCRm_p4m61Sn1sr-ozpRvUM3aS1jEKKMyyc5rHYUO_OaBfFuyIrnrE95jVDiga4W0z4piJB3_wjLKOjoj0E898lhf0t21NvbBwxCRa1FkZq-cI-k/s1600/P1060817.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOGTIYIhPkGLDF3grCLoU4ZwfddZfbCRm_p4m61Sn1sr-ozpRvUM3aS1jEKKMyyc5rHYUO_OaBfFuyIrnrE95jVDiga4W0z4piJB3_wjLKOjoj0E898lhf0t21NvbBwxCRa1FkZq-cI-k/s320/P1060817.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<b>4. Focus On the Situation Instead Of the Behavior</b><br />
Your son is hitting his little sister. Instead of focusing on what he's doing wrong, focus on what's wrong around him. Get them safely separated, comfort them both, and then figure out what were the conditions that lead to the problem. What does your son need? Help him figure it out. Help him get his needs met. It could be as little as a snack or a drink. It could be as much as a chunk of your undivided attention. It could be a complex combination of needs.<br />
<br />
<b>5. Focus On Prevention Instead Of Correction</b><br />
What's done is done. Either your son already knows he shouldn't have hit his sister, and he feels bad about it already, or he doesn't know. Either way, you can offer a gentle reminder to your son that people don't like to be hit, but you can't undo the action. <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/07/parenting-without-punishment-taking.html">The best you can do is figure out how to prevent a similar thing from happening again.</a> Why was he in a position to hit his sister? Did you walk away from your kids when you knew one was in a volatile mood? Try to be more careful about leaving them alone together for a while. Bring one of them with you when you have to tend to something else.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Adjust Your Words</span><br />
<br />
<b>6. Listen To Yourself</b><br />
Notice when you are kind, and who you are kind to. If you ever speak kindly to anyone, then you already have the tools you need to change the way you speak to your children. What words do you use when you are being kind? What tone do you use? Notice when you start to sound mean. What sets you off? How do you feel afterwards? What have you accomplished by being mean?<br />
<br />
<b>7. Have a Back-Up Plan</b><br />
When you find yourself about to say something to one of your kids that you might regret, take a deep breath, relax your face, and say softly "I love you." It's almost impossible to be mean after reminding yourself and your child that you love her. In many cases, this change in you can diffuse a situation. Even if it does nothing to calm your child, at least it helps to calm you. You can think more clearly and be more present to help your child figure out his needs and get them filled.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Adjust Your Routine</span><br />
<br />
<b>8. Get Your Own Needs Met</b><br />
Be proactive. <i>Eat </i>as soon as you notice your hunger. <i>Sleep</i>. Yes, there will be times when you won't be able to get as much sleep as you need. But do make sure to sleep when the kids are sleeping. If you do choose to stay up for hours after they go to bed, don't complain to them about how exhausted you are. <i>Take showers</i>. Bring the kids in with you if they are tiny, or put on a movie if it's safe to leave them alone for a few minutes. <i>Use the bathroom</i> in the quiet moments, instead of waiting until you are about to burst. You will be better at everything if you are not needy.<br />
<br />
<b>9. Let Go</b><br />
Let go of all of the things that won't matter down the road. The unimportant things that take you away from your kids. Let go of the idea of having a <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/06/three-steps-to-keeping-clean-house.html">sparkling clean house</a>. Let go of the idea that every meal needs to be picture-perfect. Cling to the things that will always matter. Invest your time in being attentive to your kids. It will not be time wasted.<br />
<br />
<b>10. See the Choice, Then Make the Choice</b><br />
Maybe it feels like being mean is automatic. It feels like you can't help it. But you don't have to surrender to it. You can be in charge of your own behaviors, your own reactions. If you can't control yourself as a grown up, how do you ever expect your children to do so? Choose to be kind. Choose to adjust. Choose to be gentle, soft, and sweet with your words and your actions.<br />
<br />
<b>And when all else fails, and you slip into Mean Mode, remember you are human too. You can apologize and move on. You can ask your children to gently remind you when you are off the track. You can be kind to yourself. You can figure out what needs you have that are not being filled,and take better care of yourself. You can prevent yourself from doing the same thing again. You have a choice.</b><br />
<br />
Remember this, when it comes to your kids:<b> </b><br />
<blockquote>
<b><i>If you can't think of anything nice to say...</i></b>
<b><i>you're not thinking hard enough. </i></b></blockquote>
Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-53102707306467833762011-09-07T08:49:00.002-04:002011-09-07T08:53:05.379-04:00Does an Education Degree Come With Super Powers?According to Ron Clark, in this CNN story called <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2011/09/06/living/teachers-want-to-tell-parents/index.html">What teachers really want parents to know</a>, an education degree does, in fact, come with at least one super power. He writes:<br />
<blockquote>
<i>One of my biggest pet peeves is when I tell a mom something her son did and she turns, looks at him and asks, "Is that true?" Well, of course it's true. I just told you.</i></blockquote>
See? Apparently, teachers are gifted with infallibility. We should believe everything they tell us about our children. He continues: <br />
<blockquote>
<i>And please don't ask whether a classmate can confirm what happened or whether another teacher might have been present. It only demeans teachers and weakens the partnership between teacher and parent.</i></blockquote>
What about demeaning the child by not asking for his side of the story? What about the partnership between <b>parent and child</b>? Should we worry about weakening that? Clark says later in the article:<br />
<blockquote>
<i>If your child said something happened in the classroom that concerns you, ask to meet with the teacher and approach the situation by saying, "I wanted to let you know something my child said took place in your class, because I know that children can exaggerate and that there are always two sides to every story. I was hoping you could shed some light for me."</i></blockquote>
I cannot believe the double standard that is so casually displayed here. Let me summarize:<br />
<ul>
<li>If any teacher tells you your child did something wrong, just believe it. The teacher would never lie or exaggerate.</li>
<li>If your own child tells you the teacher did something wrong, make sure to get the teacher's side. Children can't be trusted.</li>
</ul>
But these pesky parents just don't get it, according to Clark:<br />
<blockquote>
<i>They are ready to fight and defend their child, and it is exhausting.</i> </blockquote>
He's right about one thing, it would be a lot more convenient if parents just believed everything teachers said. Convenient for the teachers. Not so much for the students, or for the parent-child relationships, which will last a lot longer than the parent-teacher relationships, if the parents are lucky.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh03240TF_n6o3DnqR2zXM5eafMRsSF1rQDyYYtJqkjdhpuZ1Tcgii0XL210KHYSrdFMv-RrFhzicMc6CtYS9UcvyFy534fnPUf3M0eRH_ZZy69G4TgpEVMrzSe7WBdZ2mw-byfdavbwY0/s1600/P1060749.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh03240TF_n6o3DnqR2zXM5eafMRsSF1rQDyYYtJqkjdhpuZ1Tcgii0XL210KHYSrdFMv-RrFhzicMc6CtYS9UcvyFy534fnPUf3M0eRH_ZZy69G4TgpEVMrzSe7WBdZ2mw-byfdavbwY0/s320/P1060749.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I choose this relationship.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I have some questions for Ron Clark: Should everyone have trusted the teachers who recently <a href="http://www.ajc.com/news/investigation-into-aps-cheating-1001375.html">cheated on standardized tests</a>? Should parents trust the teachers who sexually assault children? The ones who harass and demean and emotionally abuse children?<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<b>Of course, not all teachers do these things, but at least some of them do.</b> Teachers are people too. They <b>make mistakes</b>. They <b>can be intentionally dishonest</b>, just like doctors, lawyers, priests, CEOs, mechanics, and anyone else with or without a job or a fancy education can. A teacher should be subject to just as much scrutiny as anyone else.<br />
<br />
Clark goes on to admit something kind of embarrassing about the grading system:<br />
<blockquote>
<i>This one may be hard to accept, but you shouldn't assume that because
your child makes straight A's that he/she is getting a good education.
The truth is, a lot of times it's the bad teachers who give the easiest
grades, because they know by giving good grades everyone will leave them
alone. </i></blockquote>
And he says: <br />
<blockquote>
<br />
<i>
</i><i>Wow. Come on now. In all honesty, it's usually the best teachers who
are giving the lowest grades, because they are raising expectations. </i></blockquote>
What exactly are grades good for? If the bad teachers are giving good grades, and the good teachers are giving bad grades (Clark's words), then <b>do we know anything about a student by his grades, besides what kind of teacher he has? </b>Also, Clark just admitted that there are some "bad teachers," but doesn't mention this inconvenient fact in the part where he tells us to trust all teachers.<br />
<br />
And here Clark describes the "pain" he feels when parents "make excuses" for their children:<br />
<blockquote>
<i>I was talking with a parent and her son about
his summer reading assignments. He told me he hadn't started, and I let
him know I was extremely disappointed because school starts in two
weeks.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>His mother chimed in and told me that it had been a horrible summer
for them because of family issues they'd been through in July. I said I
was so sorry, but I couldn't help but point out that the assignments
were given in May. She quickly added that she was allowing her child
some "fun time" during the summer before getting back to work in July
and that it wasn't his fault the work wasn't complete.</i> <br />
<i></i></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>Can you feel my pain?</i></blockquote>
Seriously? The child and his mother should have predicted that family issues would come up in July, and gotten a head start on that important summer work the minute school let out? It's wrong for a parent to allow her child any sort of break from the rigors of schoolwork? Can this teacher feel the student's pain? In my opinion, summer should be a sacred time, completely free of schoolwork. That would solve this problem for parents, students, and teachers.<br />
<br />
The most disturbing thing in this article is this phrase:<br />
<blockquote>
<i>Trust us [teachers].</i></blockquote>
This is very bad advice. I'm not saying teachers should never be trusted. I know many teachers who I like and trust. But teachers, as a group, don't deserve any special amount of trust just because of their job titles. Each teacher should be prepared to earn the trust of his own students and their parents. Parents do not owe it to teachers to trust them immediately. If teachers want to be trusted, they should prove they are worthy. Does that make their jobs more difficult? Maybe. But they should know what they are signing themselves up for. And they are free to choose different jobs if this becomes too much.<br />
<br />Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-23507033658518291442011-09-06T09:38:00.001-04:002012-02-28T09:59:18.617-05:00Did You Kiss Your Baby With That Mouth?That mouth on your face... Is that the mouth you used to smile and softly kiss your baby's head the moment you first held him your arms? Is it the same mouth you used to whisper gently into your precious new baby's ear how much you loved him and wanted him and promised to take care of him?<br />
<br />
How is that mouth now? Does it still feel gentle and soft and sweet? Or has it become rough and harsh and sour?<br />
<br />
<b>Do you have a special tone of voice reserved for talking to your child, now that he's not a baby anymore?</b> One that you would never use with anyone else but your own child? You probably know the tone I'm talking about. It might be the one your parents used on you.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9VV7LuIfUuprOUu0z1dhJE1MnB_HPKKkwvzvrLeGB0eNMyRe2H8SKjbplQGOii7wfusEoqv-cJoNoRSCnWMRAA4f3yoefz5ZdErBRg3r4_G5IQGGcqWbLhsEk3-GhyphenhyphenDZVhGp4p4F3yMU/s1600/P1060957.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9VV7LuIfUuprOUu0z1dhJE1MnB_HPKKkwvzvrLeGB0eNMyRe2H8SKjbplQGOii7wfusEoqv-cJoNoRSCnWMRAA4f3yoefz5ZdErBRg3r4_G5IQGGcqWbLhsEk3-GhyphenhyphenDZVhGp4p4F3yMU/s320/P1060957.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
It's the frustrated tone many parents use for criticizing, commanding, complaining. It sounds like:<br />
<blockquote>
<blockquote>
<i>"NO! Why would you do that?!"</i><br />
<i>"Pick that up! You're making a mess!"</i><br />
<i>"No you can't have that!"</i><br />
<i>"Stop being such a brat."</i><br />
<i>"I'm so tired of doing everything for you."</i><br />
<i>"Shut up!" </i><br />
<i>"Absolutely Not!"</i><br />
<i>"I'm going to count to three..."</i></blockquote>
</blockquote>
<ul>
<li>How would you feel if <b>your child talked to you</b> this way?</li>
<li>How would you feel if <b>your partner or best friend or even a stranger talked to you</b> this way? </li>
<li>How would you feel if <b>your children talked to each other</b> this way?</li>
<li>How would you feel if <b>a stranger talked to your child</b> this way? </li>
</ul>
<br />
What does this kind of talk do for warmth in relationships? What does it do for the individuals in those relationships?<br />
<br />
Does this kind of talk breed respect or resentment? Love or fear? Peace or discord? Happiness or bitterness? What does a parent who speaks this way hope to accomplish? <br />
<br />
<b>Why is it accepted and even expected for parents to speak to their children this way? Listen to the way you speak to your children. What is your mouth doing for your relationship?</b><br />
<br />
There are many problems with talking to your children this way. Not the least of which is figuring out when and how to stop doing so. Parents who talk to their kids this way for the first 18-ish years of the relationship may have a hard time "snapping out of it" when the kids are grown up. And when your children grow up and have a choice of whether or not to listen to you, they may just choose not to put up with this kind of talk and treatment.<br />
<br />
<b></b><b>You have a choice right now. You can choose to be gentle and soft and sweet. You can choose to talk to your kids now the way you want to talk to them forever.</b><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
***********************</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
Want to change but now sure how to begin? Read this follow-up post for some suggestions: <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/09/ten-steps-to-kinder-gentler-parenting.html">Ten Steps To Kinder, Gentler Parenting </a><b><br /></b>Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-70852716863806986272011-08-29T09:09:00.003-04:002011-08-29T09:21:39.600-04:00What If They Choose School?Another question I expect to answer a lot as my kids get older:<br />
<blockquote><span style="font-size: large;">Will you let your kids go to school if they want to?</span></blockquote>The short answer: yes.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
The long answer: I have a lot of problems with the way schools are right now, but that is not why my husband and I are choosing not to send our kids. <b>We just don't think it's necessary for us right now, and that is the only reason we need.</b> We have been happy and learning together for more than four years, and it has been wonderful. We don't see any reason to stop living that way. And the kids don't either for now.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKpKPKInMPPJXNchLlhvulMNo1tZSoSdm538KGgh9FYqigTHN6qGFMSVSIaZ0aAH59osp__BuYNxrLcvZxkk48b3Zxa3k91kxaXbwkXrd9RZWMqWZVQxNrWafWIsj-fVng5rl_x64zgU8/s1600/P1050358.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKpKPKInMPPJXNchLlhvulMNo1tZSoSdm538KGgh9FYqigTHN6qGFMSVSIaZ0aAH59osp__BuYNxrLcvZxkk48b3Zxa3k91kxaXbwkXrd9RZWMqWZVQxNrWafWIsj-fVng5rl_x64zgU8/s320/P1050358.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br />
However, if one of them wanted to try school right now, we would make it happen. We do not want them to grow up thinking school was some great thing they missed out on because we wouldn't let them go. They will be able to form their own opinions about school. If that requires them to attend for a while to figure it out, then so be it. If they do choose to try school, they will not be forced to commit to it or reach a certain point. They will be able to opt out again anytime.<br />
<br />
There are plenty of people who actually liked school, including my husband for one. One of our children might be someone who enjoys school for some amount of time. That would be all right. It would not mean that we failed as parents. There are more reasons why an unschooling child might want to go to school than just "home isn't fun enough." He might just be curious about it. He might want to see for himself, so he can make his own decision about it.<br />
<br />
Also, although I will be honest about the issues I have with school, I don't plan on telling my kids that it's bad or dangerous. The way I see it, if a child has heard from his parents how horrible school is<span class="text_exposed_show">, but then meets some kids who enjoy school, that child might think his parents are exaggerating the "dangers" of school. He might think his parents are trying to hide something really great from him. <br />
<br />
An example of this idea is the way we talk about drugs to kids. I grew up hearing about how terrible marijuana was. Education about drugs lumped marijuana in with all the other illegal drugs, so I thought it was just as bad as cocaine or heroin. Then as I got older I found out that lots of people I knew were smoking pot, and they seemed fine. They were not junkies or addicts or criminals. That made me wonder why everyone had made such a big deal about it.<br />
<br />
Inflating the risks of something to scare a child out of doing it only works until he can see for himself that it is not as bad as we say.<b> </b>This might only make my child trust me less, and wonder what else I have been exaggerating about.<br />
<br />
For now, we are happily unschooling as a family. But unschooling is not a family policy or a doctrine, something I live by or preach. It only describes something we are not doing right now: sending our kids to school. This does not mean school is forbidden. I don't need to be anti-school because I plan to continue living without it. What I am is anti-force.<b> I wouldn't want to force my kids to stay out of school as much as I wouldn't want to force them to attend.</b><i> </i></span><br />
<br />
<span class="text_exposed_show"><i><a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/04/what-if-they-choose-school.html">This post was originally published in April</a>.</i><br />
</span>Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-86375570866749156782011-08-25T09:37:00.000-04:002011-08-25T09:37:32.580-04:00Should I Be Embarrassed About This?<i>I share my bed.</i> There, I said it. <i>I sleep in the same bed as my husband.</i> I like to have him next to me at night. I like to feel his presence there. I feel safe and warm. When I wake up from a bad dream, he comforts me. Is this bad for me? Will this have a negative impact on my growth as a person? Would I be better off if he sent me to another room? Should Nick and I be embarrassed that we prefer to share a bed?<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
According to <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/US/sleeping-parenting-tips-children-sleep-beds/story?id=14368358">this article</a>, some psychologists say people sleeping with other people is a bad habit that should be broken. They say people need "to be able to learn from sleeping on their own, to self-sooth, to calm themselves, to clear their head [sic]." If Nick wanted to follow the expert advice, to do what's best for me, of course, he could try setting up a bed for me in a different room, and then using some simple tips to keep me away from his bed: <br />
<ul><li>Offer me a goldfish or a teddy bear to keep me company, because he wouldn't want me to feel lonely without him.</li>
<li>Spend time with me in my room before he leaves, to show that he still loves me.</li>
<li>Promise to buy me a present for every night I make it through without bothering him.</li>
<li><a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-to-stop-giving-in-to-your-child.html">Be firm</a> about this, and make no exceptions, even if I cry about it.</li>
<li>Give me lots of praise when I stay in my own bed.</li>
</ul><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAIyDkrRyCw387ysyuUfuPGvikHbyXbW2xNHBSBKuSAIER5suUTLpj_aXw3-957sDv3eFMMN2OCq7zRYeWNjFU9rgR9FE2HKIHCg-Ktzm43dr_avXWOk1cUzIMysmwvkT9oEPJGGjXJy4/s1600/560px-Goldfish3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAIyDkrRyCw387ysyuUfuPGvikHbyXbW2xNHBSBKuSAIER5suUTLpj_aXw3-957sDv3eFMMN2OCq7zRYeWNjFU9rgR9FE2HKIHCg-Ktzm43dr_avXWOk1cUzIMysmwvkT9oEPJGGjXJy4/s320/560px-Goldfish3.jpg" width="298" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Comforting?</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
I guess I would learn to go to sleep alone if Nick did all this, but <b>would it be good for our relationship?</b> I feel like it wouldn't. I don't know why anyone would recommend this. I'm going to read that article again...<br />
<br />
Oh, wait... I misread something. It wasn't about "people sleeping with people" it was about "children sleeping with parents." So my husband doesn't need to try to get me out of our bed, thank goodness.<br />
<br />
It did say that <i>children </i>should learn how to sleep alone though... So should we be worried about our children, who also share our bed? Should we be embarrassed about that? Should my husband and I form a united front against our kids, force them to go it alone at night? Should we all give up a situation that works for us because some "experts" agree that our happy sleeping arrangement is bad for our kids? Should we force them to learn now how to sleep alone?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0ljfflf8mOAAq1AWsGpObGZInbN9PzM6VzOj16aUc0z9UUsD7esgWl36peCBrMaU00CYkAiOph9vbExHWNLpnolWiYGFH11EXAt9TgUqNt6-qaSosBKyVqrkdO9c6_rlFwYCjJbjHgoI/s1600/P1060115.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0ljfflf8mOAAq1AWsGpObGZInbN9PzM6VzOj16aUc0z9UUsD7esgWl36peCBrMaU00CYkAiOph9vbExHWNLpnolWiYGFH11EXAt9TgUqNt6-qaSosBKyVqrkdO9c6_rlFwYCjJbjHgoI/s320/P1060115.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Nope. <b>I'm not worried. I'm not embarrassed.</b> Someday, our kids will decide they would like their own spaces, their own beds. Until then, bed-sharing is just right for us. <b>It might not be right for every family, but it's what is best for <i>our relationships</i> with each other <i>in this family</i>.</b> We all choose it. We enjoy going to sleep together, and waking up together. Nick and I are happy to be right there to soothe and comfort our children when they need us, just as we are happy to do the same for each other. <b>Our children are welcome in our bed.</b><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">***********************</div><br />
This is NOT to say that every family should work this way. This is to say that bed-sharing is what we do, and we are happy with it. Our kids like it. We like it. People should not be embarrassed about it. Experts should not be warning us to "stop it or else." If it works, keep doing it.<br />
<br />
Do your kids ever sleep in your bed? Are you embarrassed about it? Speak up! The more of us who "admit" to this, the less embarrassment there will be.Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-24056537430640845092011-08-22T09:58:00.001-04:002011-08-22T10:00:13.629-04:00On BullyingHow do you really feel about bullying? What are the options for a bullied child? Please consider these two stories as another school year begins. <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">First, a fictional story about a girl named Mary...</span><br />
<blockquote><i>Almost every day for a few years, Mary has spent many hours with Peter and his friends, who are very cruel to Mary. They call her terrible names, throw things at her, spit at her, destroy things that are valuable to her. She has started to eat meals in the bathroom when Peter is around, because it is the only place she can escape his torment. She believes she is worthless and has thought about killing herself. Peter has warned her not to tell anyone about the things he does to her or else he will only make it worse for her. He is much bigger than she is, so she has not said anything until now. Mary has finally come to you and shared her story, and she is afraid.</i><br />
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How do you feel about Mary? About Peter? What should Mary do? Do your answers depend on who Mary is, and what is her relationship to Peter?<a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/03/marys-in-trouble-what-should-she-do.html#more"></a></blockquote><blockquote><a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/03/marys-in-trouble-what-should-she-do.html#more">Continue reading here for some of the possibilities.</a></blockquote><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7Xq_SbUrS4T9xJyPeo_GkNUwHY3KH3dwHJWZnzro-wjsP7_ui1J8i96QMMQObg0b8XOFMQ3gzWipauOqd6WzJgxnjTHkkPz14T_8iJIPaW6UOHGJzZmv0DCr3gf3t7M6icvSKjFzKcRM/s1600/P1060454.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7Xq_SbUrS4T9xJyPeo_GkNUwHY3KH3dwHJWZnzro-wjsP7_ui1J8i96QMMQObg0b8XOFMQ3gzWipauOqd6WzJgxnjTHkkPz14T_8iJIPaW6UOHGJzZmv0DCr3gf3t7M6icvSKjFzKcRM/s320/P1060454.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Second, a true story about a terrible tragedy...</span><br />
<blockquote><b>Hopeless </b>is what I imagine two girls must have felt as they took their own lives together. The fourteen-year-olds got together for a sleepover, and hanged themselves, leaving behind sad suicide notes and sadder families. [<a href="http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/42698716/ns/today-today_people/">Read the news article from earlier this year</a>]<br />
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The girls had apparently been bullied at school. They were harassed about things like their weights and hair colors. What is a child to do when she is a victim of bullying?<a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/04/hopeless.html#more"></a></blockquote><blockquote><a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/04/hopeless.html#more">Read more about options here</a>.</blockquote>Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-11497877284859383422011-08-15T09:52:00.001-04:002011-08-15T09:56:39.122-04:00Are You Ready For the Wild Shots?This is a little embarrassing to admit, as the wife of a tennis pro: <i>I am terrible at tennis</i>. I haven't picked up a racquet in years, but recently I have been thinking about the first few times I played tennis with Nick. We had just started dating at the time.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We also tried to play once when Louise was a baby.</td></tr>
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Nick fed balls to me from across the net. When I managed to hit them back over, sometimes (usually) my shots would be headed outside the lines, or even all the way back to the fence. He chased down every wild shot I hit, and somehow redirected them right back to me in the center of the court. As long as I didn't hit the ball into the net on my side, Nick could keep the rally going, seemingly forever. I was impressed.<br />
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I remember thinking about how much fun it was to hit with him, because he made me feel like maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought (I was). He made it look easy, and that made it fun. He never got annoyed with my wild shots. He never tried to "punish" me by making me go get one that went outside the court. When he did give me some pointers about how I might want to adjust my shot, he did so in a gentle way, one that did not detract from the fun we were having. He mostly just did his best to keep the ball in play.<br />
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I thought about this yesterday because Louise (4.5) was having a difficult day. She was short-tempered and impatient and that lead to her yelling at me a few times. I thought about how I could have responded. I could have ignored her until she figure out how to talk to me more politely. I could have said something rude to her about how unacceptable her yelling was. I could have yelled back at her.<br />
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<b>Instead, I stayed calm. I figured out what she needed.</b> I granted her requests, even though they weren't perfectly executed. I did for her what Nick did for me on the tennis court. She was hitting wild shots in my direction, and I chose to chase them down and hit them right back to her, as best I could. And so, the rally continued, uninterrupted.<br />
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Nick could have tried to teach me something by letting each wild shot go past him and making me run after the ball to pick it up, but the lesson I would have learned may not have been about <i>tennis</i>. It may have been about <i>him</i>. <b>What I might have learned was that he wasn't fun to play with.</b> That he had the ability to keep the ball in play, but was unwilling to put forth the effort.<br />
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Instead I learned some wonderful things: that he was patient, caring, and skilled. I learned that he would rather keep the ball in play than stop to teach me a lesson about how bad I was. After all, <b>he was trying to build our relationship, not to improve my tennis game.</b> <br />
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This is how I look at the way I relate to my kids. I'm focused on building my relationships with them. They will learn the things they need to know in the process. Other people might watch me react calmly, respond gently to my daughter's anger and impatience, and think I'm missing out on a chance to teach her how to speak politely, or that I'm too lazy to punish her or to fight back. They might shake their heads at my chasing down the wild shots.<b> </b><br />
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<b>But I have thought it through, and I just want to keep the ball in play as best I can. I want to give her lots of chances to hit more shots, rather than waste her time making her run after and do-over the ones I could have easily gotten. I want to make it look easy. To make her feel good. I want to hit even the wildest shots back to her like a pro.</b>Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-82495586678520223982011-08-11T11:09:00.000-04:002011-08-11T11:09:07.697-04:00A Child Is Not Any Of These ThingsA child is not a blank canvas. He is not an art project. You don't have to create him or mold him into your vision or your ideal. By the time he is born into this world, your job as the creator is done. <b>Your job now is to help him grow as himself, not to give him a self to grow into.</b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZIqzIFmBv5ZbPcIoEHF8PIBMYOavbdIj0HsrJvu8gKZobOzMXwth8drewDwns2fTY05AvilCSgdYFf9UDibVUWNQSnrz678X66JzQxIQ6X_skH0K1JaGXsvBOQDEC6yAqVVV8FwKbrfc/s1600/P1060733.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZIqzIFmBv5ZbPcIoEHF8PIBMYOavbdIj0HsrJvu8gKZobOzMXwth8drewDwns2fTY05AvilCSgdYFf9UDibVUWNQSnrz678X66JzQxIQ6X_skH0K1JaGXsvBOQDEC6yAqVVV8FwKbrfc/s400/P1060733.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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A child is not a <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/05/is-your-home-war-zone.html">terrorist</a>. She is not your enemy. She doesn't do things on purpose to make you miserable. <b>If there are any battles going on, you can make sure you are on the same side as your child.</b><br />
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A child is not a computer. He is not programmable. You don't have to <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/05/kids-and-limits.html">set routines and stick with them</a>. Your child will let you know if what you are doing is working. Being consistent is only good if you are consistently good. <b>Consistently listen to your child.</b><br />
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A child is not a lab rat. She is not an experiment. You won't get another chance if your methods don't yield a desirable result. <b>This is your only chance.</b><br />
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A child is not a <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/07/lz-granderson-needs-hug-hes-having.html">brat</a>. He is not a bottomless pit of need. You don't spoil him by giving too much. <b>However, you can spoil <i>your relationship with him</i> by giving too little, expecting too much.</b><br />
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A child is not an accessory. She isn't here to <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/01/how-to-grow-perfect-child.html">make you look good</a>. She won't always look pretty or be quiet on command. <b>You can allow her to express herself.</b><br />
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A child is not an <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/05/i-think-im-human-mother.html">animal</a>. He is not to be trained. You don't have to treat him as a performer in your life circus. You don't have to impress others with her obedience. <b>You can show her that her needs and feelings are important by taking them seriously.</b><br />
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A child is not an <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/07/i-invited-my-children-to-this-party.html">employee</a>. She is not here to make your life easier. You don't have to assign jobs to teach her about responsibility. <b>Instead you can show her how wonderful responsibilities can be by lovingly taking care of your own and not complaining so much.</b><br />
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<b>A child is a person.</b> He has real needs and real feelings. He may have limited ways or abilities to express himself. You can help him figure out what his needs are and you can help get them satisfied. <br />
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When your child is young, you are the only one with a choice in the relationship. You have choices about how to parent. You can parent with fear, constantly trying to manipulate your child to be exactly who you want her to be. You can use shame and guilt to attempt to control your child. Or you can parent with trust, trying to allow your child to be and to love who she already is. You can use love and support and control yourself. Either way you choose, your child has to stick with you while she is young.<br />
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However, when your child grows up, she will be the one with the choice. <b>If you want her to choose to continue to stick with you then, start being someone she would choose now. Start trusting, start accepting her now. </b>Understand that the only thing you can truly control about your child is your half of your relationship with her. The only person you can control without fail is yourself.<br />
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</div>See also: <a href="http://www.jennifermcgrail.com/2011/08/children-are-not-baked-goods.html">Children Are Not Baked Goods</a>, at The Path Less Taken. Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5088188498900558941.post-819142171591810682011-08-08T09:40:00.001-04:002011-08-08T10:20:10.958-04:00How To Stop "Giving In" To Your ChildYesterday I read some advice from parenting "expert" John Rosemond in an article called <a href="http://www.rgj.com/article/20110807/COL0403/108070323/Parenting-Mom-should-stop-giving-tantrums?odyssey=mod%7Cnewswell%7Ctext%7CLocal%20News%7Cs">Mom should stop giving in to tantrums</a>. A mother writes to him about her daughter, almost 3 years old, who is having separation anxiety. The little girl used to have her father as primary care-giver, but he abandoned her just over a year ago. What does Rosemond say about this delicate situation?<br />
<blockquote><i>I sense that you might be over-complicating the issue by thinking that your daughter's anxiety over separation is due to her father's sudden disappearance from her life. That's actually unlikely. It's more likely that she has no memory of him at all (but might recognize him if he suddenly appeared, but recognition and memory are two different things).</i></blockquote><span class="aa">This is a very big assumption. While the little girl may not remember her father specifically, she certainly could have a feeling that she lost something big or that someone abandoned her. However, it doesn't really matter what the anxiety is "due to" because at age 3, she's not making it up. She's anxious about her mother leaving.</span><br />
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<blockquote><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiopETRYuo6yThAkn1dhjk71ayqt4dbfUXgftS_Znaq0d2L7B0jUqu8V5d7fv0DrwlAt7v-0EtnEuvGOlCeE4gIL_o_sE7gmnfjc0R6QPuETWJxRTcp2Dw-hYebV2LvjTRVVNoY8xbfLQc/s1600/IMG_4374.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiopETRYuo6yThAkn1dhjk71ayqt4dbfUXgftS_Znaq0d2L7B0jUqu8V5d7fv0DrwlAt7v-0EtnEuvGOlCeE4gIL_o_sE7gmnfjc0R6QPuETWJxRTcp2Dw-hYebV2LvjTRVVNoY8xbfLQc/s320/IMG_4374.JPG" width="240" /></a></div></blockquote><blockquote><i>The general rule is that when a child is having problems separating, the more the parent talks to the child about an upcoming separation, reassures the child that mommy's coming back, and hangs around trying to calm the child down, the worse the problem becomes. Unwittingly, the parent conveys anxiety to the child, thus making the child that much more anxious.</i><span class="aa"></span></blockquote><b>One general rule about parenting is that there are very few general rules.</b> Some kids might do better with more talk and preparation, some with less. I agree that making your child more anxious would certainly not help the situation, but I disagree whole-heartedly with the following:<br />
<blockquote><i>Don't give these situations any buildup. Just take her to the designated caretaker, kiss her, hand her over and walk away. As you've already discovered, any attempt to calm her down before you leave is going to escalate her screaming. Trust the caretaker to properly handle the situation from that point.</i> </blockquote><blockquote><i><span class="pp"></span>Given calm resolve on your part, your daughter will probably stop crying within a few minutes of your leaving and the problem should be a thing of the past in a few weeks.</i></blockquote>Just hand her over and walk away? She will probably stop crying? What if she doesn't?<br />
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Rosemond sure does make it sound easy. His advice boils down to: <i>Just pretend it's not a problem, and it will go away</i>. I've<a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/07/ignore-anyone-who-tells-you-this-is.html"> talked about this technique before</a>, and compared it to <a href="http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/07/how-your-child-is-like-your-bladder.html">ignoring the urge to go to the bathroom</a>. We all know how well that works.<br />
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But the title of Rosemond's advice column got me thinking about "giving in." I honor my children's requests and take care of their needs whenever I possibly can, but I wouldn't say I feel like I'm <i>giving in</i>. It just feels like <i>giving </i>to me. So what makes the difference there?<br />
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Then I realized that lots of parenting experts talk about how important it is to be <i>firm </i>with one's children. I never liked that idea, and now I have figured out how to explain why. When you are firm, you only have two choices: to hold yourself together against any pressure your kids might apply, or to <i>give in</i> and break under the pressure. You have two positions: unbroken and broken. No one wants to think of being <i>broken</i> by her children, so one might think she must be rigid to stay together. The firm parent must deflect any pressure to yield, to give in, to change her mind. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwHNIOM1-vUbho_DeV4IiPBV1oUrspSyAFHCETAgNFrFqQ9JH3P4-4v_vYL382aBUn6J_tJBC_LWIuQM0QiJ7QGTDfjlGSiKuS82wuETNJTZxh4_56OpgpK-GvoZI5GFVnoi6lhgM4klg/s1600/P1060798.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwHNIOM1-vUbho_DeV4IiPBV1oUrspSyAFHCETAgNFrFqQ9JH3P4-4v_vYL382aBUn6J_tJBC_LWIuQM0QiJ7QGTDfjlGSiKuS82wuETNJTZxh4_56OpgpK-GvoZI5GFVnoi6lhgM4klg/s400/P1060798.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
If you don't like the sound of that, don't worry, there is another way to be. <b>You can be flexible.</b> You can still be strong when you are flexible. You can absorb a good amount of pressure, and you can bounce back from it. You won't lose your integrity when you give. You won't break like something firm that has given in or given up.<br />
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<b>You can just give. You can bend, you can stretch, you can compromise, you can accommodate. You can have many more than just two positions. You can give (and give and give...) without giving in.</b><br />
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That sounds much more practical to me than the alternative.<br />
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Disclaimer: This is not a criticism of working mothers. It's a criticism of "expert" advice that seems simplistic and insensitive to me. I know from experience that it can be heartbreaking for a mother to leave her child when the child is upset.<br />
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Vickie@Demand_Euphoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17706946767924290485noreply@blogger.com