What Kind Of Bed Do You Make With a Gun?

Last night I watched a video that has gone viral, featuring a man with a gun. The man took this video of himself, posted it himself, and what he chose to show the world was an upsetting picture of who he is.

The first half of the video is his reading of a letter that his daughter Hannah wrote, aimed at her parents, and posted on Facebook with the belief that they would not see it (although I wonder if she was really hoping they would see it, so maybe they would understand how miserable she is). The father found it by apparently using some sneaky tactics. It was a very depressing letter, in which Hannah passionately expresses her frustration with her parents and their poor treatment and high demands of her. Her father reads the letter to anyone who will listen, in hopes that it will make Hannah look bad. He picks apart her words, disputes her claims, and calls her lazy and stupid, among other names.

This happens at the 7:10 mark.

At the end of the video, he puts the icing on the (sick, twisted) cake when he shoots nine bullets into what he has referred to several times as "her" laptop. This punishment is extreme and rather scary, well outside the bounds of even commonly accepted punitive parenting. I wonder how long ago it was that he gifted her that laptop. Was he excited to give it to her then? Did he take pride in his ability to give her such a gift, and feel satisfied when she expressed gratitude in some way (a thank-you, a smile, a squeal of joy, maybe even a hug...)? Did he let her enjoy her gift for any amount of time, or did he immediately start holding it over her head, demanding appreciation for it? What part of the word "gift" does he not understand? What suddenly made it ok for him to destroy her property in such a violent manner?

He explains that Hannah will be able to get a new laptop, when she can buy one for herself. I would advise her not to do so until she is able to move out of his home, because I would bet a lot of money that he would not hesitate to brutally murder that one as well, any time he got that angry at her again.

Many comments have been written in support of what this man did. They cheer for his violent and disturbing act of publicly berating his daughter and shooting her property, because they say Hannah deserved it for writing such a nasty letter. They hail is as "parenting done right." I disagree wholeheartedly. She had obviously been given many reasons to write that letter, and her father's video only proves that her discontent is justified.

The most striking part of the video (besides the gunshots) is when he details the list of chores he has demanded of Hannah. He describes each one and smugly offers an estimate of how long each task should take. According to him, the total time he asks of her is very small: not more than a few minutes for each of a few simple tasks. If it's true that he asks so little of her, is it really worth forcing it, while causing so much damage to their relationship? If the chores are as easy as he says they should be, why not just do them himself? In fact, he could have finished almost all of them in the time it took for him to record his eight-minute tirade.

He hoped to teach his daughter a thing or two. I'm not sure exactly what he intended to teach, but the only lessons he conveyed to me were the following:

1. He does not respect his daughter or her property.
2. He runs his family like a business, in which he is the unquestionable boss and his child is his employee, but without even basic rights (one could be arrested for shooting an employee's personal computer).
3. He is a vindictive and violent man who is not to be trusted.

One of Hannah's responsibilities is to make her bed (which, to me, is an inexplicable thing to require of someone). I couldn't help but think of the old saying: "You make your bed, and then you must lie in it." What kind of bed has this man made for himself, in terms of his relationship with his soon-to-be adult daughter? One that is prickly and scary and cold and not welcoming or safe or happy. One that has already led Hannah to write about how miserable she is with him.

Well sir, I hope you are satisfied with the bed you have made for yourself, because you will spend the rest of your life lying in it. Someday you will wake up in this bed and wonder what went wrong. You will wonder why your daughter doesn't want to spend time with you, doesn't trust you. On that day, I would invite you to watch the video of yourself. It explains everything.

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More on this story: So What If She Bought It With Her Own Money?

Parent-Free By Choice

How many of you out there have chosen to separate yourselves from one or both of your parents because of the way they treated you?

That was the question I asked on Twitter. I was blown away by the responses. There were about 20 people who spoke up and shared a little of their stories with me, out of about 400 followers. I was surprised at how common this issue seemed to be. Then I asked a similar question on Facebook, this time asking people to email me their stories, not sure what I would do with them yet.

Here are some of the things people have shared:

Thank you for your curiosity and openness to this subject many find taboo.

Part of me thinks is it easier to just tell people your mom died than to say you just don’t speak to her.

A person can only be hurt so much before enough is enough.

[My father] made my life miserable and then threatened my kids.

I'm teaching my parents a lesson.  I do plan on getting back in touch, but not until they've had a long time to realize that they need us more than we need them.

It's heartbreaking and it's not an easy choice to make. So much baggage goes along with it. People understand divorce more than they do cutting ties with parents.

Many people also shared how they have felt so alone going through this process. Some have people making them feel guilty about their decisions. All this made me wonder: If this is taboo, why is that? Why do we give people a hard time about cutting ties with parents? Do we as a society feel that a person owes her parents something, no matter how badly they have treated her? If this is such a common issue, why aren't we talking about it more?

After reading through the stories I received, I have decided to start a second blog, to give people a place to give and get support from others who are dealing with similar issues. I'm calling it "Parent-Free By Choice." The posts will be stories from (mostly anonymous) readers, who want to share their experiences. It will be a supportive, empowering, compassionate place.

No one should feel forced to endure mistreatment or abuse from anyone else, even (especially) a parent. A person who chooses to be parent-free is not "running away" from problems, but rather running toward a better, happier life. I'm hoping it will help people to see just how many others are going through this, or have gone through it and feel at peace with their decisions.

I'm also hoping that the connection between this blog and the new one will be very clear. Let's just say that so far, I have NOT heard anything like the following:

I don't speak to my parents anymore because they were too supportive and respectful of my freedom.

I don't speak to my parents anymore because they didn't meddle with my life enough.

I don't speak to my parents anymore because they treated me too kindly.

You get the idea.

Please go visit the new blog, where the first story is now up. Read, reflect, offer support. Share your story if you think it might help you or someone else. Details on how to do so can be found in the right sidebar on the new blog.