The advice is clearly that parents should limit how many choices their children get. We shouldn't worry about respecting our kids' wishes when they want something different than we are offering. This would be allowing... I don't know... too much independence at a young age?? We wouldn't want that.
But wait. On the other hand, in the same article, UCLA psychiatrist Paul Bohn warns parents should not try to "fix everything" for their kids. They should not go running to their toddler too fast if she fall down, instead:
let her experience that momentary confusion, give her the space to figure out what just happened (Oh, I tripped), and then briefly let her grapple with the frustration of having fallen and perhaps even try to pick herself up.Apparently we parents "never learn" that our kids can recover on their own because we are "too busy protecting" our kids when they "don't need protection." I guess we should make sure they are independent. But now I'm confused. Is independence in kids a good thing or a bad thing?
Here is what I have to say to Paul Bohn and Lori Gottlieb and all the other experts out there: you have no idea when my children need me and when they don't. I do have a pretty good idea of it though. How? I pay attention to my children. I can tell when they need me and when they want to "figure it out" for themselves. If one of them tells me "I'm OK, Mommy," I know that's my cue to back off. I trust them.
I will continue to trust my kids to let me know what level of independence they are comfortable with. I will let them choose things when they want to, and choose for them when they don't. I will be the guide they would choose: being there when they need me, leaving space when they don't (short of letting them do something very dangerous before they are able to understand the risks, of course).
Bohn warns if we run to our kids too quickly when they fall down, they will:
become college kids who text their parents with an SOS if the slightest thing goes wrong, instead of attempting to figure it out themselves.This bothers me. And it's not just because I frequently text or call one of my parents when I have a problem (I do). It bothers me because I think it's all right for people to need help.
Everyone has a different level of independence he or she is comfortable with. I, for one, am not very independent. I like depending on family, friends, and even strangers at times. We depend on each other in many ways. I don't strive for a certain level of independence for myself, and I don't have a specific goal in mind for how independent my kids should be.
What I do wish for my kids is that they never feel ashamed for needing help from me or anyone else. I want them to feel comfortable and safe with me now, when many of their problems can be fixed with a Band-Aid and a kiss. I want them to know they can trust me and come to me later if they want to, when the much bigger problems arise.
How independent are you? Do you feel comfortable asking for help when you need it?
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More from me on Gottlieb’s article:
Part 1: If My Kid “Lands” in Therapy
Part 4: One Vaccine My Kids Definitely Don’t Need
Part 5: Is Independence Good Or Bad?
Part 6: "Our Children Are Not Our Masterpieces"
Part 5: Is Independence Good Or Bad?
Part 6: "Our Children Are Not Our Masterpieces"
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This is something I've been struggling with lately. I have many, many, many attachment parenting people in my parenting contacts where building a strong bond is the main focus. On the other hand I have a couple of Montessori-fan friends. Striving for as much independence as possible at as young an age as possible. I'm at the point now I think there's a route in between, making sure the kids CAN do things for themselves, but also making sure they don't HAVE TO...
ReplyDeleteStill fine-tuning :)
My parents thought kids should be very independent. My mom often told us if we weren't bleeding or knocked out she didn't want to hear about it. I used to have huge problems asking anyone for help, wasn't able to talk about my feelings, and in general tried to appear stronger than I really was. Being too independent is no better than being too dependent.
ReplyDeleteThe key here is KNOWING your children! Watch and learn, they will teach YOU everything you need to know about them.
ReplyDeleteI think that the key is, like Anonymous said, knowing your children. Experts can say all they would like, but each child is different. If you watch them, your children can teach you more!
ReplyDelete"Bohn warns if we run to our kids too quickly when they fall down, they will:
ReplyDeletebecome college kids who text their parents with an SOS if the slightest thing goes wrong, instead of attempting to figure it out themselves.
This bothers me. And it's not just because I frequently text or call one of my parents when I have a problem (I do). It bothers me because I think it's all right for people to need help."
When you call or text your parents for help with a problem, do you do so in lieu of attempting to figure it out on your own? Judging by your article "Mom to the Rescue!" the answer is no. You thought about other possible solutions to your problem before calling your parents. I think what Mr. Bohn is referring to is the child (or young adult) who is so reliant on their parents that they turn to them for solutions to their problems before first trying to figure them out on their own. It's alright to need help. It's not alright to be unable to function without it.
Independence does not have to mean fear of asking for help when help is needed. My wife and I are very independent people. For the entirety of our twenties we lived 10 hours away from our families. We had to get by entirely on our own before we had strong enough local friendships to provide us with support. We weren't afraid to ask. We just didn't have anyone *to* ask. Dont worry. We turned out alright.
We wouldn't have been able to get by without being raised to be independent, though. We also wouldn't have been able to ask for help if we hadn't been raised to be comfortable doing so when required. It's a fine line to parent, I know. We both got there by having parents that let us fall and pick ourselves back up (literally and figuratively) and when we asked (or otherwise expressed a desire) for help, they were right there to give it.
While it's a fine line to parent by this method I also thing there's a very wide gap between waiting to see if your child needs help and giving help until the child says they don't need it. In both cases the child comes to the point where they have to choose whether or not they need help. In one case the child gets comfortable doing things on their own and with asking for help when the task or problem is beyond their capabilities. In the other case the child could come to assume that help will always be there unless it is rejected.
@Alison, I think the two Anonymous comments say it well. Your child knows how independent he or she wants to be. Much better than any theorist on either side of the issue :)
ReplyDelete@Lindsay, Exactly! Feeling embarrassed to ask for help due to forced independence is not a sign of strength.
@DaveO, It's possible that you and your wife are just naturally independent people, also, and that's why you were able to get through that time. I would be miserable that far away from family support, and I don't think it's because my parents helped me too much as a kid.
Also, you said: "there's a very wide gap between waiting to see if your child needs help and giving help until the child says they don't need it."
If it's more like "offering" help, then it doesn't seem like either one of those extremes. I offer when it seems like they might need help, but am prepared to back off if they don't accept the offer. I want them to know the offer is always there. I want them to "figure things out" on their own when they WANT to, because they want to, but not because they feel like there is no help available.
"the child could come to assume that help will always be there unless it is rejected."
Although I'm not sure about this wording exactly, I think this idea isn't a bad thing. I want them to know help will always be there if they need it. :)
@Melissa, You said "I do think she uses poor wording when saying some parents are too attuned because if that were true they would know to back off."
ReplyDeleteThis is the problem, and it's why I spent so much time on this article. I think it was very confusing, and could be especially confusing to those parents who aren't confident about their parenting. I don't like the idea of any parent thinking "Should I stop doing what my child says he needs?" or anything else like that.
I guess my point with all of this is to say that there aren't many things that you can't figure out as a parent *along* with your child. They know what they need.Being attuned to a child's needs is the best thing in the world. I think being "too attuned" is not even a thing, let alone a bad thing!
I don't know what's going on with that little boy you talked about... That is a curious phenomenon.
I'm hoping that my children will have just as much independence as they want to have. Freedom is very important, and I want my future kids to enjoy their lives in as much freedom as is healthy for them.
ReplyDelete@lifeistheteacher, Beautifully put. Thanks for the comment. :)
ReplyDelete